becoming tatiana.

When I began this blog, I created a character of sorts. Her name was Tatiana and she was everything I wanted to be in life and more.

A sarcastic voice of reason, Tati was an outspoken girl in a man’s world. She wasn’t simply an alter ego to me, she was the person that I was afraid of being all those years.

I was a very shy person, constantly worried about what people thought of me and how I was portrayed in this big wide world. That changed when I started this blog. Tati was confident, bubbly, overall a teenage girl who appeared to be completely at peace with herself. As time progressed, I began transforming into this person I’d always dreamed of being. I was relaxed, didn’t really care what people would say about me – and trust me, they said a lot. I wasn’t just transforming in real life, I was transforming here to. I became very honest with my readers, explaining to them what had happened in my past and how it shaped me to be who I am today. Totally Tatiana wasn’t just a creative outlet anymore, it was a place I could go, a safe haven where I felt understood and not judged.

I’ve began writing about anything and everything. I’m not doing this for the “greater good”, I’m doing this for me, because I am Tatiana. I act like a queen because I am a queen. I’m so happy that this blog has helped different people, but it has helped me too.

I’m doing better than I ever was, the nightmares and PTSD are practically non-existent, my meds are working super well, I don’t need therapy as much any more, I feel safe and secure and overall content with how everything has turned out.

This time last year I was a hot mess, this year, I’m still a hot mess, but I own that shit now. I’m Tatiana and I am strong and powerful and I have finally become at peace with myself.

The world’s given me some pretty bad situations, but I keep on fighting and rising higher. Bring it on.

I’ll see you at the top. T xx

Why I’m a Feminist

Welcome to feminist Friday’s!  Where (almost) every Friday I talk about all thing’s female empowerment and equality!  This week I need everyone to know why I’m a feminist…

I’m a feminist because I don’t want that baby to grow up with gender roles about how boys don’t cry.

I’m a feminist because I don’t want that toddler to grow up thinking she needs to wait for a prince to save her.

I’m a feminist because I don’t want that four-year-old to grow up being told a boy is being mean to her because he likes her.

I’m a feminist because I don’t want that six-year-old to grow up being told she can’t achieve her dreams of being a sporting star because she’s a girl.

I’m a feminist because I don’t want that eight-year-old to grow up hearing grown men sexualising her body because her “shorts are too short”.

I’m a feminist because I don’t want that ten-year-old to grow up feeling self-conscious about her stomach size, her boob size, or her butt size.

I’m a feminist because I don’t want that twelve-year-old to grow up with the trauma and PTSD of sexual assault and harassment.

I’m a feminist because I don’t want that fourteen-year-old to grow up without any form of education about consent.

I’m a feminist because I want to grow up in a world of equality and love.

I’m a feminist because I want to grow up and not be afraid of walking alone or worrying who’s lurking around the corner.

I’m a feminist because I want equal pay.

I’m a feminist because I want abuse to end.

I’m a feminist because some day I want to be up for a job promotion against a man with a similar skillset as I do and for neither of us to be discriminated against (positive or otherwise).

I’m a feminist because I’ve been waiting for the world to change my whole life.  Now it’s time to make the world change.

A-Z of Secondary School

All I seem to be posting about at the moment is school.  It’s probably a psychological cry for help because I miss it so much.  I don’t really know what to do with myself so I compiled an entire alphabet so you can be prepared for secondary school.  I had so much free time, I actually managed to compile three!  As I can only stay focused for so long, I’ve broken this down into three separate posts, one for each alphabet set.  This is a perfect post for anyone who’s in year five or six and is wondering about secondary school – maybe even worrying about it.  This is a perfect post for anyone with children who are about to move into secondary school and want to know all the “big kid ways” before they’re thrust upon them and you.  But most of all, this post is for that little girl, getting ready to go into big school and it scared senseless.  She’s had countless sleepless nights and is worrying out of her wits.  I just want to say to that girl: it’s ok, you’ll be ok.  It may not feel it and it may feel like there’s no end in sight when you’re stuck in it, but I promise, if I can get through it – Miss Problematic – you’ll get through it!  I promise you that much.  Well after that surprisingly deep and meaningful introduction, let me introduce you to… Tati’s Top Tips For The Terrible Teen Years: school (I thought about that title for a long time and I’m very proud of myself if you couldn’t tell 🙂

Ability – just remember, push your limits and always try your hardest!  Others may be a higher ability than you but as long as you try, it doesn’t matter!

Best Friends – People in secondary school can be mean.  Really mean.  But as long as you stay with your close friends, you’ll be perfectly fine, and no-one can hurt you.  It may take you a while to find your tribe, but that’s okay!  True friends are worth the wait.  Take me for example, the friends that mean the world to me, I didn’t find them until year eleven and now we’re totally inseparable!  People even mix me up with Blondie – friendly reminder she has blonde hair and I have black hair and her favourite colour is pink and mine is yellow, we also speak very differently.  But you know, she’s beautiful so I’m not complaining!

Creativity – Secondary school is the best place to let your creativity run wild!  Whether you feel your creative juices flowing through being an artist, a musician, a writer or even a performer, you’ll find your creativity here!

Dating – From the get-go, there will always be someone “dating” someone else.  In years 10 and 11 is when you should put your revision before dates (no rhyming sorry) but year 7 and 8 relationships are fun to look back on.  Someone I “dated” for almost a year in year 8 is now one of my best friends but someone I “dated” in year 11 is ready to kill me with a ping pong bat (long story).

Eating – no matter what, remember to eat!  Secondary school uses a lot of your energy and this is the best way to gain energy.  Try having a balanced, healthy diet – I’m posting a blog soon about a balanced, healthy diet so look out for that!

Fights – at secondary school, no matter how fancy the school may be, there are fights.  Try and steer clear from them as much as you can, or you’ll get caught in the crossfire.

Homework – I feel like such a teacher saying this but do your homework as soon as possible!  It’s so much easier to do it on the night it’s been set, that way it’s all fresh in your mind.  It’s the same with coursework.  The more you do now, the less you have to later and that is very true.

Independence – Secondary school is where you really gain your independence.  Make the most of it as the next step is adulthood.

June – also known as GCSE month.  It’s tiresome and you’ll be ready to quit but as soon as you’re done, believe me you feel like you can take on the world.  Just get your head down and revise, that’s the best support I can give you.

Kindness – just be kind.  It sounds corny but a smile at a classmate you’ve caught the eye of can really boost someone’s moral when they need it most.  It’s the little things, and it’ll make you feel good about yourself.

Library – go to the library for research!  It’s the best place to go and it’s full of information.  The librarian’s both at my school and at my local library are so lovely and kind, they’re always there to support you and I’m sure your librarian’s will be the same!

Maturity – some people you meet will be super mature for their age.  And when I say super mature, I mean they’re either the parent of the group or the grandparent of the group.  However, you’ll meet people on the other end of the spectrum who you can be pretty sure are three-year-olds stuck in a pubescent teens body (me).  There’s no in-between so be prepared to meet some crazies!  (They do give you great stories though).

Notes – take as many rough notes as you can in class.  That’s the best advice I can ever give you.  Jot down anything and everything the teacher says, then when you get home you can clean and condense.  It’s a perfect revision tool and a perfect way to make sure you don’t miss anything important which could show up in a test.

Options – choosing GCSE options can actually be really exciting.  I’m compiling a list of information about the GCSE’s you can take and peoples opinions on each subject.  That should be helpful for anyone struggling to choose.  Just remember, there are no “easy pass” GCSE’s.  I know so many people who regret choosing Performing Arts because they thought it would be easy to pass – there’s a hell of a lot of coursework involved!  Just make sure to be knowledgeable on whatever subjects you want to pick, knowing the specifications is really helpful for that too and you can find them easily online for each exam board for each subject.

Pastel Highlighters – People, say it with me: pastel highlighters are not what make you pass your GCSE’s, hard work is.  Pastel highlighters are great, and they look really pretty, just make sure you actually spend time revising, not highlighting!  Although, exam tip, take a highlighter into exams with you, this way you can highlight key words in a question, and it decreases your chance of misreading the question.

Questions – I’m sure you’ll have loads of questions about secondary school, I did!  So, if you ever want to talk to someone who’s been there, done that, my inbox is always open, so just drop me an email at totallytatiana.contact@gmail.com  I’ll reply to anyone and everyone!

Rumours – something which is impossible to escape, no matter how hard you try.  It’s no fun, but you just need to hold your head up, ignore people, and don’t spread them about other people.  It hurts and it just leads to more issues than necessary.

Studying – Study as much as you can!  Take notes, ask questions, go to catch up sessions, all that jazz.  It’ll pay off massively in the end and you never know, you may find a new passion!

Teachers – Love them or loathe them, at the end of the day, they are there for you.  They care about you and they want you to reach your potential, even if it feels like they don’t at times.  Just trust me, they want you to pass as much as you want to pass and they’ll root for you.

Uniform – more schools in Britain have school uniform than don’t.  It’s an age-old debate about whether or not we should have uniforms but that’s not what I’m here for.  Follow the uniform rules as much as you can in the first few weeks of term, then if you’re feeling rebellious (like me) push the limits slightly.  Bend the rules as you see fit, just don’t go crazy.

Victory – that last day of school feeling when you realise you survived another year at school.  It feels good.  Just know the end is always in sight, even if it doesn’t always look it, it’s there and it’s rooting for you.

Worrying – It’s completely ok to worry and stress, just don’t let it take over your life.  Try distraction and relaxation techniques to calm yourself down, once you find one that clicks, it’ll do wonders for your mental wellbeing.

Xanax – Yes, I’m talking about meds.  If you take meds for your mental health or if you don’t, it’s nothing to be ashamed of!  It’s completely fine, as long as you’re as happy and healthy then it doesn’t matter.

YOLO – God, I feel like a 2010 Tumblr kid again.  Just remember, your secondary school life only lasts for so long.  Make the most of it because it can be fun.  A lot of fun.

Zits – you’re a teen, going through puberty.  It’s natural so don’t stress!  Just drink water as that helps and eat a balanced diet.

My Year 11

Of course, I was prepared to do this article in June/July but then everything went slightly pear-shaped and now I’m somehow out of year eleven in March.  ¾ of the way done, without any GCSE’s on my CV.  Yikes.  Anyway, I could moan and groan and complain but I’m not going to do that because it will get us all no-where and it’s completely pointless.  Instead, I am going to reminisce on my year eleven experience. As abrupt as it may have been, lots happened to me, my mental health and just around the world in general.  I feel the 2020 leavers are the only year group who can say the following: Brexit happened and we all had parties, Trump nearly started WW3 and we were all getting ready to be drafted, an illness which began because of bat soup has now cancelled our GCSE’s and prom and the rest of year eleven overall.  We are now not allowed to see any of our friends or grandparents, and we are revising for GCSEs which are non-existent.  We truly are the elite ones.  As “lucky” as we are, my year eleven was a year full to the brim of ups and downs, highs and lows and it was overall a rollercoaster.  However, as short as it was, I am still writing about it so obviously it can’t have been that bad… right?

September 2019 was the month where it all turned to shit.  I hit rock bottom, my “friends” left me, and I had a serious self-identity crisis.  I was unsure of myself, doubting my every mood and I didn’t know what to do with myself.  I worked myself from the ground up, realising I didn’t need fakies and flakies and found my true friends.  They came in the form of Thumper, a BTEC Ron Weasley, a crazy boy who bought out my competitive side to the extreme, the BFG, Blondie and Heather Duke and Heather Chandler.  This tribe rooted me on and helped me overcome loads of mini hurdles and I couldn’t have done it without them.

October 2019, things slowly began looking up for me.  Even though I was diagnosed with an eating disorder, I slowly became more self-confident, wearing a Halloween outfit I’ve always wanted to wear, I was just afraid of what others would say.  I slowly began getting in the swing of socialising and I gradually became better with physical contact.  October was the month of partying and performing – I performed for my BTEC Performing Arts in one of the leading roles and performed in the West End – where Phantom of the Opera is performed!

My 2019 Halloween Outfit if anyone cares 🙂

November 2019 my mental health managed to reach a level playing ground.  I got into a relationship, I was managing school life and social life easily and from the outside looking in, I was living a picture-perfect life.

December 2019 was also a great month for me.  I began revising, had sixth form and college open days and interviews and I began thinking about my future – something I always struggled to do.

Of course, this couldn’t last.  By January 2020, my eating disorder came back, bigger and badder than ever.  I got dumped by the “perfect guy” learnt he both lied and cheated on me which didn’t exactly do the best for my self-confidence.  I got back together with him which is my biggest regret of year eleven.  Lots happened but it’s still extremely raw and painful to go over.  However, the small silver lining is I had my first set of mock exams and if they were my real GCSE’s I would have passed six out of eight of them which is more than the minimum requirement.

February 2020, bad things happened, I hit lower than rock bottom and I don’t want to go too much into it but I’m lucky to have come out only on the highest med dosage and a few cuts, scratches and bruises.

It may not be the end of March yet but my word loads has happened.  I somehow managed to clamber my way back up to level playing grounds which is probably the most impressive thing I’ve done this decade (heh).  I’m slowly getting back to my old, old self which I’ve suppressed for years.  I was revising my poor ass off but then GCSE’s were cancelled, as was the rest of year eleven so now I’m just revising so I don’t drive myself insane.  I may be unable to see my friends, but I’ve been on the phone to them for at least one hour a day and another hour I spend playing Just Dance with my little brother.  My friend said I could spend this time to properly reconnect with my brother and that is exactly what I’m doing.  Also, relationship wise, I’ve finally decided to listen to my parents and I’m staying single!  (Well, I’m crushing but nothings happening until after lock-down).

Even though my year eleven was extremely brief, lots happened and I’m happy to say that I’m mentally vibing – well, vibing as much as I can while being unable to see my friends face to face.  I hope this article can show you that even though bad things may happen, there’s always a plus, you just must look harder sometimes.  All in all, I’ve survived secondary school without being murdered or hurt too badly.  Next stop: I’ll be sixteen ready to start sixth form!  But until then, I’ll be here, yours truly,

Totally Tatiana xx

My 2019

I never really saw the point in reflecting on things – the past is in the past and I found it best to keep it that way.  But this year was such an emotional rollercoaster, I think it’s only fair to reflect, reminisce and learn from 2019.  It’s also a perfect way to wave the eventful year behind so I can hop, skip and jump into 2020.  It’s good to recognise the positives and negatives from this year and writing and preparing this article was honestly such a cleansing experience and I feel finally ready to embrace the new year!  (That sounds very spiritual and that’s not me at all but I kinda like it, so we’ll allow it)

In so many ways, 2019 was one of the hardest years for me.  Lots of things happened or surfaced which made it an extremely emotional time for me.  In this year alone:

  • I got officially diagnosed with depression, PTSD and a trauma-based eating disorder
  • I lost contact with people who meant the world to me – especially one person who stopped me from relapsing and getting bad again.
  • I had a daily struggle with going to and staying in lessons, the wholeeeee year.
  • I went down extremely toxic ways of recovery
  • My anxiety (which I hadn’t badly struggled with since 2016-2017) came back worse than ever
  • I stopped doing things I loved the most as I was scared to be judged.
  • I have extremely bad trust issues
  • Learnt what it’s like to have random strangers now everything about you without a way to control it.
  • Got picked on almost daily
  • Considered ending it all on multiple occasions.

However, 2019 was also the year of coming out of my shell and fighting the good fight.  I’ve had so many amazing, life-changing experiences which definitely out-weigh the negatives!

  • I started this blog!
  • I’ve begun to raise awareness about sexual assault, mental illness and feminism in school!
  • I went to SITC and had the most amazing time meeting the most amazing people
  • I got to spend a day in Brighton with my Big Brother and this summer we became closer than ever before!
  • I found a friendship group and boyfriend who like me for me.
  • I got to see the Book of Mormon with my Dad (which was incredible).  I also got to spend the whole day in London with him and we’re super close now and we have a bond stronger than we have ever had. 
  • Became more self-confident in what I wear and showing off my body a bit more
  • I moved up to the top of the school – Year 11 let’s get it!
  • I became a prefect – something I have wanted to do since Year 7
  • I got to take a trip down memory lane and worked at my old primary school for a week.
  • Reconnected with an old friend and now we’re super close
  • I managed to push my limits and I sung solos in school productions and performed on the frEAKING WEST END!  (My dream come true)
  • Became really close with my family (and my extended family!)
  • I am slowly becoming better with physical contact
  • I became a proud activist (much to my friends eardrums dismay – I am not afraid to get my voice heard!)
  • My mental health is slowly improving
  • I got to see Wicked with my friends (review coming soon!)
  • Got a distinction in my English Speaking and Listening Assessment
  • I don’t mind what people think of me as much

Even though this year was (in some ways) pretty good, I am positive 2020 will be amazing!  I have so many exciting things planned, that I cannot wait for!

  • I’m starting a new chapter in my education: sixth form!
  • I’m seeing the Kaiser Chiefs and The Killers live in concert!
  • I’m also seeing Six: The Musical live with my little brother!
  • Going to Los Angeles and Las Vegas with my family which means DISNEYLAND!!
  • I have my 12 weeks summer holiday! (After GCSE’s of course)
  • I’m going to Prom!
  • I’ll be turning sixteen!  (Legal boys, legal noise – sorry Mum and Dad!)

I will be ensuring that 2020 is amazing though, and I have set myself goals and targets that I wish to achieve so that 2020 will undoubtably be the best year.  Next year, my aims are:

  • Become a lot better with physical contact
  • Partake in a protest or march
  • Go to a pride event with Thumper
  • Try and post once a week here!
  • Pass at least five GCSE’s
  • Not let others control me and become my own person
  • Become someone younger people look up to
  • Get out more!  Learn about the world around me!
  • Stop feeling bad about what I can’t control
  • Read and go to the library more!
  • Become Proud of myself
  • And finally, never lose sight of my morals.

So, there you have it!  That’s been my 2019 and what I want to achieve in 2020!  Thank you so much for reading, I couldn’t be here without fans who are supportive and as lovely as you.

xo baby, Tati xoxo