My GCSE Results!

The morning of the 20th August 2020 will definitely go down as one of the most panic inducing mornings in history. Why? It was the day of my GCSE results.

This year GCSE results were very different… for obvious reasons. The thing that stressed me out the most however, was the fact that we had no idea how we’d done. We only had mock papers from school to go on and that’s not the most accurate source of data.

On the night before the mocks, I lay awake panicking. I was on the phone to my friends until 4am because I simply couldn’t sleep, then only to get a grand total of two hours sleep that night. I was terrified. My whole life I’d had people telling me I’d never amount to anything and that I was a good for nothing whore. Even though that’s total bullshit, I felt like this was my one chance to prove them wrong.

All I was hoping was that I would pass five exams with at least a four; including English lit, English lang and maths. My actual results were better than I could’ve hoped for.


if you’re confused:

After my first set of mocks in January, I was predicted the following grades in each subject:

Citizenship: 5

Science: 4-3

English Language: 3

English Literature: 5

Maths (foundation): 4

Media: 3

Design and Technology: Textiles: 1

History: 4

Performing Arts: Merit

As you can tell, I passed a few, but not exactly monumental. After getting back these results in January, I began really putting the work in and thankfully, it paid off. My results in August 2020 were as follows:

Not only did I pass everything with a high pass, but I majorly surpassed my expectations with all the grades I got! In particular, I didn’t just get a distinction in Performing Arts, but instead a distinction* – the highest grade you can get!

Even though the results are clearly not by any stretch of the imagination amazing, considering my mental health was not amazing and I struggled lots with focusing and trauma. If I can do something like this while struggling, imagine what my A Level results will be like, when I’m passionate about a subject and I’ve left behind all the toxicity!

If anyone’s about to take their GCSEs, my advice would be, follow the deadlines, work hard on coursework, revise a fair amount, and make sure you understand the work! Ask questions and, as aforementioned, stick to the deadlines! I have lots more tips and tricks on my school page. There, I talk about focus, mental health and information about revision I wish I knew! I hope it’s helpful to you and I hope you enjoyed this article! I know I’ve been messing up the 30 Day Writing Order, but by the end of August, there will be 30 posts out, just maybe two in one day. Sorry for any inconvenience caused, all the best, love you all!

xo baby, Tati xoxo

What I Wish I Knew Before GCSEs

If GCSEs were still going ahead, today I would have had my first official GCSE.  If they were still going ahead, I would have published this article at the end my exams.  However, as that’s not happening, no time like the present!

Since I chose my GCSE options, I have had many times where I have thought to myself damn, I wish I had known this sooner!  Of course, there’s no point in dwelling on the endless possibilities of life – that will just get you nowhere.  Instead, I’m here to give anyone who’s about to choose their GCSE subjects some advice that I wish I knew.  I have compiled a list of things that my teachers didn’t tell me until it was too late or just didn’t tell me whatsoever.  I hope that these pointers will help you on your way to achieving your true potential. 🙂

1) Start revising ASAP The sooner you start, the easier it will be. The topic will be stored in your head for longer and it’ll be way less work for you in the long run. It’s a perfect way of working out your weaknesses for each subject. The absolute latest you should start revising is the end of year 11.

2) Try not to miss class! Remember, the teachers are there to help you. They want you to get the highest grades possible so you have to at least try and apply yourself in each and every lesson. Of course, you’re bound to have off days and that’s completely fine, just rememer to take notes and focus as much as you can. Asking questions will also be really helpful so you don’t get stuck when revising at home.

3) Push out of your comfort zone and crack the whip! The best way to actually revise is to get into a mindset where you actually want to do well and will go to lengths to achive that. As soon as you accept the fact that doing well in your GCSEs is impossible without putting in the time and effort, you’re halfway there. Be strict on yourself, make sure you actually revise at least once a week. In the long run you’ll be so much better off for it.

4) There are no “easy pass” subjects. Contrary to what everyone says, every subject you choose will have an aspect which is very tricky. As long as you choose options for yourself, not for anyone else, you’ll be fine and hopefully won’t regret your options as much.

5) Use notes, flashcards or posters. I’m a visual person so I have to physically write something after seeing it to retain the information. I find posters work best, but depending on what style you learn best from, you can differ your revision style. I go into loads more detail about revision in my blog article https://totallytatiana.com/2019/11/30/totally-tatis-top-ten-revision-tips/ which you should check out after this. I have lots of websites and ideas which helped me pass my mock exams.

6) Take mocks seriously! This was definitely a regret for lots of my friends. You never know what’s going to happen before the final exams (proof right here). It’s also a perfect chance for you to find out how you would score in the real thing. Areas of weakness become apparent and you can tailor your revision timetable accordingly.

7) Listen to lo-fi hip-hop. I find it near impossible to work in complete silence. I get distracted way too easily but when I listen to music I find myself recreating the music video, pretending to be Lauren in the Kinky Boots Soundtrack, or dramatically becoming Anne Bolyen in Six the Musical. So, what do I do? I listen to a music genre called Lo-fi hip-hop. It’s instrumental music designed to help you relax and focus (and not unleash your inner Taylor Swift). I love it because it’s so much better than sitting in silence but as it’s lyricless, I can focus more on what I’m reading instead of the song.

8) Focus on you, not boys! I wish I had done that. I spent way too much time that could have been spent revising chasing after jerks who just wanted one thing. I spent so long crying about the he-said she-said that I didn’t focus on my future without these idots! Going into sixth form all I’m doing is getting myself a future, if I find a boo along the way then they can come along for the ride.

9) Plan in the exam! I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been running out of time in an English exam so I quickly bullet point my answers. That stuff saves my sorry sleepy ass. Once I was running out of time on an English paper so I bullet pointed my plan for a 40 mark question and started a kick-ass introduction. How many marks did I get? 21 Marks. It’s so much better than just accepting defeat when you have five minuites left. Every mark counts!

10) Keep up to date with coursework! I took two GCSEs which relied quite heavily on coursework: Performing Arts and Technology. I cannot stress enough that the best way to pass these classes is by listening to the deadlines and completing as much work as you can. It gives you so much free time at the end to edit and improve your work and it’s a lot less stressful! Trust me, future you will be eternally grateful!

Finally, take each day as it comes. You’re only human and at the end of the day you can only try your hardest. If you’re having a bad day, that’s completely okay and understandable. People won’t think any less of you after you get your results as long as you give it your all in that exam hall. It will all be worth it and GCSEs are merely a stepping stone to the next bigger, better part of your life.

Good luck, you’ve got this 🙂

To Be Opened Ten Years From Now… A Letter to My Future Self

To older Tatiana,

So, you made it!  You’ll be 25 now, probably too busy to read a letter from your past self, but I think you should read it anyway.  As I am writing this, 2019 is coming to a close.  You somehow made it out – albeit with a few scratches and cuts, bruises and burns.  But none of that is important right now!  We made it!  Since you’ll be old enough to drink, get yourself a beer or wine or champagne or something – whatever it is you like – to celebrate finishing the first 25 years of your life.

Of course, you couldn’t have done it alone.  I have my strong support network of my friends, family and boyfriend.  Are you still close with them all?  Have you met new people?  I don’t mind as long as they make you as happy as Thumper and your BFG make me now. 

Have you got all your tattoos now?  I really hope so, I can’t wait to get them done and I’m sure they look nice!

Are you finally able to be totally true to yourself?  I’m trying to be currently so I hope that it’s all paid off and you’re doing what you love. 

How did GCSEs go?  Was prom as magical as you wanted when you were 7? What about A-Levels?  Did you choose the right career path for you?  Did I choose the right thing for you Tati?  I’m so desperate to be a lawyer or journalist – just someone people will listen to.  Do people listen to you now?  I’m so ready to take on the world so is the world ready to take on you?

But most importantly, are you satisfied?  Are you satisfied with the life you live?  Are you satisfied with the life you chose?  Are you satisfied with everything you’ve done? 

I hope so, but if not, you still have a lot of time left on this earth – please spend it wisely! 

That’s all, xo baby, Tati xoxo

My 2019

I never really saw the point in reflecting on things – the past is in the past and I found it best to keep it that way.  But this year was such an emotional rollercoaster, I think it’s only fair to reflect, reminisce and learn from 2019.  It’s also a perfect way to wave the eventful year behind so I can hop, skip and jump into 2020.  It’s good to recognise the positives and negatives from this year and writing and preparing this article was honestly such a cleansing experience and I feel finally ready to embrace the new year!  (That sounds very spiritual and that’s not me at all but I kinda like it, so we’ll allow it)

In so many ways, 2019 was one of the hardest years for me.  Lots of things happened or surfaced which made it an extremely emotional time for me.  In this year alone:

  • I got officially diagnosed with depression, PTSD and a trauma-based eating disorder
  • I lost contact with people who meant the world to me – especially one person who stopped me from relapsing and getting bad again.
  • I had a daily struggle with going to and staying in lessons, the wholeeeee year.
  • I went down extremely toxic ways of recovery
  • My anxiety (which I hadn’t badly struggled with since 2016-2017) came back worse than ever
  • I stopped doing things I loved the most as I was scared to be judged.
  • I have extremely bad trust issues
  • Learnt what it’s like to have random strangers now everything about you without a way to control it.
  • Got picked on almost daily
  • Considered ending it all on multiple occasions.

However, 2019 was also the year of coming out of my shell and fighting the good fight.  I’ve had so many amazing, life-changing experiences which definitely out-weigh the negatives!

  • I started this blog!
  • I’ve begun to raise awareness about sexual assault, mental illness and feminism in school!
  • I went to SITC and had the most amazing time meeting the most amazing people
  • I got to spend a day in Brighton with my Big Brother and this summer we became closer than ever before!
  • I found a friendship group and boyfriend who like me for me.
  • I got to see the Book of Mormon with my Dad (which was incredible).  I also got to spend the whole day in London with him and we’re super close now and we have a bond stronger than we have ever had. 
  • Became more self-confident in what I wear and showing off my body a bit more
  • I moved up to the top of the school – Year 11 let’s get it!
  • I became a prefect – something I have wanted to do since Year 7
  • I got to take a trip down memory lane and worked at my old primary school for a week.
  • Reconnected with an old friend and now we’re super close
  • I managed to push my limits and I sung solos in school productions and performed on the frEAKING WEST END!  (My dream come true)
  • Became really close with my family (and my extended family!)
  • I am slowly becoming better with physical contact
  • I became a proud activist (much to my friends eardrums dismay – I am not afraid to get my voice heard!)
  • My mental health is slowly improving
  • I got to see Wicked with my friends (review coming soon!)
  • Got a distinction in my English Speaking and Listening Assessment
  • I don’t mind what people think of me as much

Even though this year was (in some ways) pretty good, I am positive 2020 will be amazing!  I have so many exciting things planned, that I cannot wait for!

  • I’m starting a new chapter in my education: sixth form!
  • I’m seeing the Kaiser Chiefs and The Killers live in concert!
  • I’m also seeing Six: The Musical live with my little brother!
  • Going to Los Angeles and Las Vegas with my family which means DISNEYLAND!!
  • I have my 12 weeks summer holiday! (After GCSE’s of course)
  • I’m going to Prom!
  • I’ll be turning sixteen!  (Legal boys, legal noise – sorry Mum and Dad!)

I will be ensuring that 2020 is amazing though, and I have set myself goals and targets that I wish to achieve so that 2020 will undoubtably be the best year.  Next year, my aims are:

  • Become a lot better with physical contact
  • Partake in a protest or march
  • Go to a pride event with Thumper
  • Try and post once a week here!
  • Pass at least five GCSE’s
  • Not let others control me and become my own person
  • Become someone younger people look up to
  • Get out more!  Learn about the world around me!
  • Stop feeling bad about what I can’t control
  • Read and go to the library more!
  • Become Proud of myself
  • And finally, never lose sight of my morals.

So, there you have it!  That’s been my 2019 and what I want to achieve in 2020!  Thank you so much for reading, I couldn’t be here without fans who are supportive and as lovely as you.

xo baby, Tati xoxo