I couldn’t really decide what I wanted to write as there are so many words of wisdom I could think of, so instead I have chosen a few of my all time favourite quotes and drop them here 🙂 I’m differing from normal articles at the moment and I’m really sorry if this isn’t your thing, I just feel like this will flow best, I promise I will be back to my normal writing style tomorrow, I just feel I need these two days of slightly random-ness and I’ll be back on track. Thank you so much for your love and support, it means the world to me.
Hi there and welcome to day one of my 30 day writing challenge! Day one is a very sweet one: ten things that make me really happy. I like this because it doesn’t just make me happy, it makes me really happy.
I thought about this for a while, and I think, finally, I have a complete list of what makes me really happy, so much so that I smiled so much while writing this.
- Dancing with my little brother I say this to everyone I speak to: I love my little brother with my whole heart. In particular I love dancing with him. We have already recreated Blurred Lines, Shake It Off and Starships but we are currently learning Beyoncé’s iconic Single Ladies. It’s so fun just messing around and having a little boogie woogie with my little baby brother.
- Singing and performing Slightly similar to number one, but I love to perform and sing. I play on my ukulele and I feel infinite. I love transforming myself into another person, getting into their mindset and walking a mile in their shoes. It’s one of the best ways I can switch off my busy brain which is even more chock-a-block than the London Underground at 5pm!
- Writing my blog is the best creative outlet I have ever had. I have a platform, I can spread my message of equality while staying true to yourself, and I love the feeling I get when someone follows my blog or likes one of my posts (hint hint) because it shows me that all the effort I put into this wild website does benefit at least one person, for whatever reason. I cannot explain enough how much I love my blog, it is my baby and I love my baby.
- Messing around with my friends I definitely have the greatest group of friends in the history of the world, no doubt about it. They always make me laugh – even if I really shouldn’t. When I’m with them, I feel like I can take on the world. I smile so much when I’m with them and not a moment goes by when at least one of us isn’t giggling about something stupid or…
- Cards Against Humanity. Wow! What a smooth transition into number five! CAH is the game that really exposes you to your friends and whoever wins is the funniest of the week. We have started a new tradition where every Friday we’ll meet up and play together. We get super competitive and we end up laughing over the most ridiculous stuff (my friend who shall remain nameless, went into hysterics because a card simply said Kale.) and we turn aggressive and choose to personally attack every single person in the group one by one. All in all, a fun game for all the family! (That was a joke, I’d rather look at a strangers feet than play CAH with my family).
- Going to London. London is my favourite place in the whole wide world. I love the West End, the museums, art galleries, shops, the whole shabang. The atmosphere makes me feel so… alive and some of my favourite memories were made in London. One day, I’ll live there, and that thought makes me so happy and contented that I feel there is hope left.
- Recreating Musicals in my room. Actually, not just musicals, music videos too. Some songs are such bangers that you have to dramatically sing along. My personal favourites are: Look What You Made Me Do, Bad Guy, I Think He Knows, She’s So Lovely, Everyday I Love You Less and Less and The Man (both Taylor Swift and The Killers). They get me so pumped and hyped and I always love singing Don’t Lose Ur Head, History of Wrong Guys and Sexy. You can bet I kick that door down like there’s no tomorrow while sashaying out with the sound of Gwen Stefani blasting from my speaker.
- Art. I love art. One of my dream dates from when I was younger was going to an art gallery in London (you can see the link between these), and not much has changed. I love recreating artwork and looking at it. I just find it so fascinating that even with my microscopic attention span I can’t help but stop and stare.
- When I make my parents cry with laughter. When I was about 11 or 12, I first watched Jack Whitehall and Russell Howard doing stand up comedy. After that, I went through a small phase of wanting to do stand up myself. I’d still love to do that now, but realistically, I know I’m not that funny but, hey, a girl can dream so dream I will! However, I feel like my confidence sky rockets whenever I say something which makes my parents burst out in a genuine fit of laughter. I love it because it shows me that I can be funny and that I say and do things which interest others to become active listeners in the story of my life.
- That feeling when you wake up on a Saturday, just before noon, rays of sun shining through your curtains. Birds chirping, you can hear your family – those you love with your whole heart – laughing and chatting downstairs. In that moment I feel as though the world is my oyster and it’s times like those that I realise how truly blessed I am to be alive, I pushed through whenever the goings got tough and that happened a lot. This time last year I would never have imagined this is where I’d be now, but I wouldn’t change a bit of it. It’s all shaped me into the person that stands before me in the mirror today and she’s ready for anything life throws at her, because life throws a lot at her. She’s a damsel, she’s in distress, she can handle this herself, have a nice day.
Welcome to feminist Friday’s! Where (almost) every Friday I talk about all thing’s female empowerment and equality! This week I need everyone to know why I’m a feminist…
I’m a feminist because I don’t want that baby to grow up with gender roles about how boys don’t cry.
I’m a feminist because I don’t want that toddler to grow up thinking she needs to wait for a prince to save her.
I’m a feminist because I don’t want that four-year-old to grow up being told a boy is being mean to her because he likes her.
I’m a feminist because I don’t want that six-year-old to grow up being told she can’t achieve her dreams of being a sporting star because she’s a girl.
I’m a feminist because I don’t want that eight-year-old to grow up hearing grown men sexualising her body because her “shorts are too short”.
I’m a feminist because I don’t want that ten-year-old to grow up feeling self-conscious about her stomach size, her boob size, or her butt size.
I’m a feminist because I don’t want that twelve-year-old to grow up with the trauma and PTSD of sexual assault and harassment.
I’m a feminist because I don’t want that fourteen-year-old to grow up without any form of education about consent.
I’m a feminist because I want to grow up in a world of equality and love.
I’m a feminist because I want to grow up and not be afraid of walking alone or worrying who’s lurking around the corner.
I’m a feminist because I want equal pay.
I’m a feminist because I want abuse to end.
I’m a feminist because some day I want to be up for a job promotion against a man with a similar skillset as I do and for neither of us to be discriminated against (positive or otherwise).
I’m a feminist because I’ve been waiting for the world to change my whole life. Now it’s time to make the world change.
When you hit rock bottom, you feel like you’re underwater
Fighting for your way out,
Struggling to breathe
Wondering if you will survive.
There’s an anchor attached to you, making it impossible to leave even though you know if you stay here any longer, you’ll surely harm yourself.
All of a sudden, a lifeboat is driving toward you.
There’s a person, asking, begging you to talk to them.
You tell them things you’ve never told anyone.
Slowly you feel the anchor loosening.
You feel yourself floating up to the surface,
The lifeboat with you all the way.
You emerge, gasping for air.
The lifeboat person is there, helping you.
You feel safe.
You’re no longer trapped, trapped in your own thoughts.
No-one can hurt you anymore.
i miss when we messed around
i miss when i made you proud
i miss when i was yours
i miss you.
I don’t miss you hitting me and you calling it “Messing Around”
I don’t miss when I changed every single thing about myself to make you “Proud”
I don’t miss being “your” puppet on a silver string.
I don’t miss you.
I don’t need you.
Someday I’ll find someone who doesn’t hurt me, someone who doesn’t make me change, someone who doesn’t act like he owns me.
I don’t miss you.
He may have been strong
But I am stronger.
He may have been tough
But I am tougher.
He may have been smart
But I am smarter.
He may have thought he ruined my life
But he was wrong.
Now I’m stronger, smarter and tougher.
If I could get through him,
I’m stronger than 10 of him combined.
If I could stand my ground around him,
I’m tougher than 100 of him combined.
If I could not listen to the lies, he forced down my throat for years on end,
I am smarter than 1000 of him combined.
So even though you’ve hurt me, broke me and tore me down,
It ends now.
I am not your puppet on a silver string.
I am not your violin you can play
I am a human being.
I am strong.
I am tough.
I will get through this and you’ll wish you never crossed me.
I never really saw the point in reflecting on things – the past is in the past and I found it best to keep it that way. But this year was such an emotional rollercoaster, I think it’s only fair to reflect, reminisce and learn from 2019. It’s also a perfect way to wave the eventful year behind so I can hop, skip and jump into 2020. It’s good to recognise the positives and negatives from this year and writing and preparing this article was honestly such a cleansing experience and I feel finally ready to embrace the new year! (That sounds very spiritual and that’s not me at all but I kinda like it, so we’ll allow it)
In so many ways, 2019 was one of the hardest years for me. Lots of things happened or surfaced which made it an extremely emotional time for me. In this year alone:
- I got officially diagnosed with depression, PTSD and a trauma-based eating disorder
- I lost contact with people who meant the world to me – especially one person who stopped me from relapsing and getting bad again.
- I had a daily struggle with going to and staying in lessons, the wholeeeee year.
- I went down extremely toxic ways of recovery
- My anxiety (which I hadn’t badly struggled with since 2016-2017) came back worse than ever
- I stopped doing things I loved the most as I was scared to be judged.
- I have extremely bad trust issues
- Learnt what it’s like to have random strangers now everything about you without a way to control it.
- Got picked on almost daily
- Considered ending it all on multiple occasions.
However, 2019 was also the year of coming out of my shell and fighting the good fight. I’ve had so many amazing, life-changing experiences which definitely out-weigh the negatives!
- I started this blog!
- I’ve begun to raise awareness about sexual assault, mental illness and feminism in school!
- I went to SITC and had the most amazing time meeting the most amazing people
- I got to spend a day in Brighton with my Big Brother and this summer we became closer than ever before!
- I found a friendship group and boyfriend who like me for me.
- I got to see the Book of Mormon with my Dad (which was incredible). I also got to spend the whole day in London with him and we’re super close now and we have a bond stronger than we have ever had.
- Became more self-confident in what I wear and showing off my body a bit more
- I moved up to the top of the school – Year 11 let’s get it!
- I became a prefect – something I have wanted to do since Year 7
- I got to take a trip down memory lane and worked at my old primary school for a week.
- Reconnected with an old friend and now we’re super close
- I managed to push my limits and I sung solos in school productions and performed on the frEAKING WEST END! (My dream come true)
- Became really close with my family (and my extended family!)
- I am slowly becoming better with physical contact
- I became a proud activist (much to my friends eardrums dismay – I am not afraid to get my voice heard!)
- My mental health is slowly improving
- I got to see Wicked with my friends (review coming soon!)
- Got a distinction in my English Speaking and Listening Assessment
- I don’t mind what people think of me as much
Even though this year was (in some ways) pretty good, I am positive 2020 will be amazing! I have so many exciting things planned, that I cannot wait for!
- I’m starting a new chapter in my education: sixth form!
- I’m seeing the Kaiser Chiefs and The Killers live in concert!
- I’m also seeing Six: The Musical live with my little brother!
- Going to Los Angeles and Las Vegas with my family which means DISNEYLAND!!
- I have my 12 weeks summer holiday! (After GCSE’s of course)
- I’m going to Prom!
- I’ll be turning sixteen! (Legal boys, legal noise – sorry Mum and Dad!)
I will be ensuring that 2020 is amazing though, and I have set myself goals and targets that I wish to achieve so that 2020 will undoubtably be the best year. Next year, my aims are:
- Become a lot better with physical contact
- Partake in a protest or march
- Go to a pride event with Thumper
- Try and post once a week here!
- Pass at least five GCSE’s
- Not let others control me and become my own person
- Become someone younger people look up to
- Get out more! Learn about the world around me!
- Stop feeling bad about what I can’t control
- Read and go to the library more!
- Become Proud of myself
- And finally, never lose sight of my morals.
So, there you have it! That’s been my 2019 and what I want to achieve in 2020! Thank you so much for reading, I couldn’t be here without fans who are supportive and as lovely as you.
xo baby, Tati xoxo
Hey guys, welcome back to the second of my sexual assault awareness posts. This will almost definitely be the most difficult to talk about as I have not spoken about it to anyone except for the police. I’ve began this article on the 9th October 2019 and I guess we shall see when it’s done. In this article, I’ll be going into the ways the individual manipulated me until the point of sexual assault. As always, I’ll remind you that viewer discretion is advised, and I do not recommend reading if you are easily triggered buy any of the topics that come up in my other article: “An Overview of my Life Since 2018”. Stay safe, I love you all and never forget you are not alone.
It began with blink-and-you’ll-miss-it things. First there was the pushing and shoving. That was never out of the ordinary – I had other friends who I played “rough and tumble” with. But there was something about the way he did it, how he did it, which I felt was much more forceful and almost threatening. It felt like a constant reminder that he was strong; he was powerful, and he easily could hurt me. One day though, one day he very nearly could have killed me. I still have nightmares and flashbacks to this day; I’m still scared to walk down the place it happened. I was walking back from school with him one day and we were messing around, insulting one another, as friends do. Then I said something, it wasn’t even anything that bad, but it angered him. It angered him to the point that he shoved me in front of a moving lorry then laughed and said it was a shame it didn’t hit me. I have a feeling some of you are wondering why I didn’t just ditch him as a friend then. And honestly, I’m not sure why I didn’t. I guess it was because I’d been friends with him for so long, and I couldn’t bear to lose that.
Then came the not-so-subtle digs at me as a person. Now, for context, I’m not the smartest most academic person in the world. I get by in my lessons, but I’m not top of the class and I’m mostly just average. I’m overall quite happy with where I rank in English, could possibly manage to scrape a pass in Maths, Science if I put in the effort I could potentially pass, and the others will hopefully all fall into place behind that. However, at the time, I felt as though I wasn’t smart at all (which is totally crazy looking back at it because I was in either top set or second set for everything and I was mostly average). I once confided with him that I felt as though I would never be smart enough to pass my GCSE’s and so he used that to his advantage. He’d constantly “poke fun” of me about it to my friends, making me feel inferior, insecure and unintelligent. He also knew one of my dream professions as a child – still is now to be fair – was to become a lawyer and help others. However, anyone who has investigated that career path will know it’s an extremely hard job to get into, and my grades did not show the right potential at that time. He’d make snide comments about how I’d never amount to anything, never get the grades to do what I wished to and even said that the only way I’d be able to go up in the world is by sleeping around. It still shocks me he said things like that because the most “sexual” thing I’d done was hold hands with someone! (Sorry Mum and Dad – what can I say, I was a catch!) It made me feel disgusted, self-conscious and just all around horrible.
Then he somehow turned so much worse and controlled me as though I was a puppet on a silver string. He told me what I could and couldn’t wear because it could make me look like a “whore”, what I couldn’t do in public – small things such as walk around with other boys; it could only be him. He decided who I could hang around with, when I could hang around with them. Only now while I’m typing this can I see how horrific this was which baffles me. He also put me down about the way I looked, my weight, my face, pretty much everything he said translated into “I’m not good enough” he said it so much that I began to believe him… And even therapy is struggling to change that.
His manipulative ways have affected me in ways I don’t even notice until concerned friends point them out to me. I feel like I cannot say no to people, like even if I try, they just won’t listen as that is what happened with him. If ever someone compliments me or is even a decent human being to me, I develop a crush on them very quickly – it’s honestly such an issue at this point it’s now a running joke between me and a good friend. I guess it’s because I feel so deprived, so starved of love and confidence that anytime someone is nice I think they love me – this has been horrific because I’ve gotten into my fair share of toxic friendships/relationships which is crazy – I’m fifteen for crying out loud! Finally, the worst effect of the manipulation is that I go through phases of refusing to speak to friends. Anyone who knows me in real life will know all my closest friends are guys – with a few sporadically placed girls here and there. Every so often, I get so paranoid they will turn out like him that I refuse to even look at my friends in the hallway. Once this got so bad, I refused to speak to any of my friends for about a month and if they touched me, even accidentally, I’d have a panic attack.
I feel like this is quite a heavy topic and although it is, I do want to assure you there is a light at the end of the tunnel! For me, I now have an amazing group of friends (a massive thanks to all my friends who have helped me through this and stuck by me – especially but not exclusively Thumper and my Big Bro. You are both amazing, I love you and I doubt you’ll ever know how much you mean to me.) I am now doing EMDR therapy which is quite effective – I will be explaining about all the ins and outs of it soon!
I’ve been asked by a friend of mine how to know if you’re being manipulated and, truth be told, I’m not sure. All I can really say is look after yourself, if anyone makes you feel uncomfortable on more than one occasion, keep some distance and stay wary. My friends are an extremely big help in this aspect, and they can normally see the red flags before I can so if you do get worried, speak to someone you trust about it. Most of all though, no matter how long you’ve known them for, people change – and not always fore the better. That’s one of the main ways he was able to manipulate and take advantage of me, I’d known him for so long!
Thank you so much for reading this. My last post on sexual assault has gotten 110 views currently and I couldn’t be happier. I finally feel like I am making a difference thanks to all of you! So, thank you so much for taking the time to read an “angsty teenagers” blog, I feel as though I have a platform which I can – and will – use to my advantage. This is the one thing in my life I feel as though I can control so it means tonnes you are all reading this!
I love you all so much, stay safe and remember:
“You can change the world when you change your mind”Kinky Boots the Musical
xo baby, Tati xoxo