Not All Men, But All Women: A Discussion

Finally, we’re having the discussion I’ve been trying to start for years now, it’s just a shame that an innocent woman had to die in order for this to begin.  I want to start by giving a disclaimer that this article will have strong language, talk about mature themes such as sexual assault and rape, and it’s just generally not suitable for younger audiences or people who get distressed when reading the topics, I will be bringing up.  Your safety is the most important thing.  I also want to say that I mean absolutely no disrespect to anyone, I am simply here to explain what is going on and so are those I spoke to. 

About a week after the discussion of women’s safety became extremely present on mainstream media, I knew I had to talk about it 

What’s going on at the moment, how it’s affecting people, I speak about this so much, I decided to get more people to talk about it and include my input to the situation.  However, I soon realised, I have done this sort of thing a lot.  Some examples can be seen herehere and here.  Since I write about this so much, I decided to ✨spice things up✨ and I asked a favour from some of my friends.

I wrote up different questions in a questionnaire and I got them to answer them honestly, and I’ve put them all here!

To make this a fair test, I didn’t give them any of my input before or during them answering the questions, made each of the questions the same, and told them it would be totally confidential. 

For certain answers I have received, I may crop or leave out/slightly edit some questions.  Not the overall message, I’m just going to ensure they are not too long or reiterate similar things which have already been stated.

I asked seventeen different people, and I have changed their names to protect their identities. I just want to say a huge thank you to those who did this for me, it means so much and I am so grateful to know people as incredible as you guys, especially considering I don’t always speak to you all that frequently.

The sixteen people I have chosen are essentially the future. They are 16-17 year olds, we all went to the same secondary school and now all attend college/sixth form. I know this isn’t a diverse mix, but this doesn’t make what they say any less important. The lovely people who helped me are:

  1. James, 17, male
  2. Daniel, 17, male 
  3. Elizabeth, 16, female 
  4. Avis, 17 
  5. Bailey, 16 
  6. Andrew, 16, male 
  7. George, male 
  8. Teresa, 17, female 
  9. Jason, 17, male 
  10. Ryan, 17, male
  11. Betty, 16, female 
  12. Amelia, 16, female
  13. Jeffree, 17, male 
  14. Ana, 17, female
  15. Brent, 16, male 
  16. Harper, 16, female 

Now, after that extremely long introduction, here is the Q&A I had with those sixteen people ❤


  • Do you feel safe walking alone?

James – Yes

Daniel – I do for the most part. If it’s late and I’m on my own I feel a bit sketched out. Generally, I’m always cautious but I’m not scared.

Eliza – Not really, but I guess it would differ depending on the situation.

Avis – When I am with a group of people especially guy friends, I do feel safe but, when I am alone, I don’t always feel safe.

Bailey – No strong answer, as I don’t walk alone very much.

Andrew – Depends – usually on time and area.  

Teresa – No 

Jason – No 

Ryan – I feel safe walking home by myself most of the time but not late at night

Betty – No 

Amelia – No, especially not at night. 

Jeffree – Yes 

Ana – no, not at all

Harper – no I don’t feel safe when walking alone, especially at night

Brent – I don’t feel unsafe unless it is dark. [still wary though]


  • Do you worry about the safety of the women you care about? 

James – I do

Daniel – Absolutely.  I always worry about them

Eliza – I do yes

Avis – Definitely. When walking home from school or after hanging out with friends and having to go separate ways home I [think] I should probably walk my female friends all the way home just in case something happens. Which is horrible that I actually have to think about that.

Bailey – I do worry about them.

Andrew – Yes.  It’s a scary place for women with creepy men catcalling and things.

George – yes 

Teresa – yes 

Jason – Yes

Ryan – I absolutely care about the safety of the women I care about.

Betty – yes 

Amelia – Yes definitely 

Jeffree – Of course

Ana – yes, a lot 

Harper – I worry about pretty much any other women I know

Brent – yes


  • What do you think the government can do to ensure this gets better?

James – Spread more awareness about the subject as well as providing more in-depth information to young women and men about their safety.

Daniel – I think that there could be more foot police patrols around high-risk areas like alleys or secluded paths. But other than that, it comes down to people to not be pieces of shit.

Eliza – I don’t think it’s something that the government can fix. I also feel like a lot of the ideas that females would come up with, many men would feel are sexist.

Avis – Maybe if we can start trying to enforce this idea of “No means no” at schools earlier on things could change. We also need to get rid of this idea of “boys will be boys” and “she asked for it”. There are just so many toxic ideologies embedded into society from a young age.

Bailey – Rather than focusing everything on the female population, they should be finding a balance of resources, education and information for both women and men as to how they should be acting in situations such as these. And I honestly feel like the government need to be more open in discussions because they don’t seem to be as bothered with protecting women

Andrew – Maybe better lighting in the streets at night?  And/or harsher sentences as a deterrent.  If you rape someone and only get five years, that is an unfair sentence as the woman is affected for life

Teresa – Teach children better. Make sure people know the importance of consent, not only consent but enthusiastic consent and that anything less than yes means you should step away. Teach the importance of supporting people after going through that kind of experience.

Jason – I think they can and should put an emphasis on the safety and protection of women who are victims of assault of any kind, and they should try to keep an up-to-date list of people who have been reported for offences, and they should always talk to the parent of a young offender no matter what the offence.

Ryan – I believe more education is required and societal norms need to be shifted.

Amelia – I’m not particularly sure about what they can do because they can’t control the actions of each individual person.

Jeffree – I don’t believe the government can do anything. 

Ana – Make it legal for women to carry some sort of self-defence.

Harper – they need to work harder to educate boys on the issue and make me of an effort to prosecute for rapists and assaulters cause too many get away freely

Brent – honestly believe there is very little that the government could do that would help the issue. I think that feeling on edge and cautious is a good thing as it means you know when to keep yourself safe but when it comes to feeling in danger the only real thing that could solve that is stopping the people that cause this feeling.


  • Do you think women should have to go to any more safety precautions?

James – I don’t think women should have to in the first place

Daniel – women shouldn’t have to worry at all no matter what they’re doing or what they wear but the unfortunate reality is that some people make that impossible

Eliza – I don’t think that it is fair that females have to more careful when walking around in their own neighbourhood than what men have to.

Avis – I mean, there’s already so many different “precautions” women have to go through, I hope there isn’t more.

Bailey – Unfortunately, for women to be able to stay safe alone, they may have to which is really sad.

Andrew – I don’t think women should have to because they should feel as safe as a man should.  But during this time, it’s a good idea to take precautions such as rape alarms and things.

Teresa – Women are already doing enough, more than we should. 

Jason – No, I don’t and I feel as If they take too many already. They should never have to feel as unsafe as they do, and women should be able to feel as if they can leave the house without fear of being assaulted.

Ryan – I believe they should go to a level they feel comfortable with doing but it is disgusting that they should have to take any precautions in the first place

Betty – They need to, but they shouldn’t have to 

Amelia – Women already do everything that they can to keep themselves safe and recent events have proven that even that is apparently not enough. At this point the issue is not women not doing enough protect themselves, it’s the men (obvs not all) that feel that they are entitled to women’s bodies.

Jeffree – I feel they should have something to protect themselves if they are walking alone 

Ana – Yes, they should be able to carry some sort of protection just in case.

Harper – I don’t think it should be a women’s responsibility to put in any more effort than they already do

Brent – If the woman feels unsafe it isn’t their fault. I think that only men can really change this.


  • What can men do when walking to make women feel safer?

James – I don’t know what men could do to make women feel safer while walking, since the same would apply to women and what they could do to make some men feel safer while walking

Daniel – keep their distance, cross the road, go on the phone or just straight up go another way if it’s late and the woman is clearly nervous. I always feel so bad walking close to women on the street because I can tell they’re on edge and it is just so sad how our society is like that.

Avis – Although this goes out to women as well, if they see a woman being harassed on the street or looking very uncomfortable while talking to someone, going over and calmly helping the woman away from the situation, like pretending to be a friend and asking where they’ve been or something like that, could really save a life.

Bailey – I think for men, they really need to give up the whole macho thing. Sometimes trying to be all big and strong and protective of women doesn’t always get the right results we need and instead only makes people see women as weak

Andrew – Tough situation, similar to being a teenage boy, smile and wave politely, carry on with your day seems to calm people down and helps make people happy

Teresa – Cross the road, call a friend. Or at least not get annoyed when we do things to protect ourselves if they won’t.

Jason – Men can cross the road, or call someone, or should attempt to get ahead of women so they can feel safer.

Ryan – Men can keep the eyes and thoughts to themselves not everyone is there for you talk to complete what you’re doing without disrupting others also if you’re continually going in the same directions as someone change your route, so they feel safer

Amelia – Walk female friends’ home if it’s dark or dusk, cross the street/don’t get near to a woman you don’t know when they’re walking alone, please don’t catcall

Jeffree – Protect them making them feel safer

Ana – If their friends with the women just walk them home, but if their a strange cross the road and walk on the other side or walk slowly so they’re not close to the women.

Harper – educating themselves is a big one, and standing up for girls if they notice something bad happening, calling out their mates if they say something like make a joke, and making efforts to look unthreatening when walking near a girl, or like crossing the road or something

Brent – try to make sure you aren’t walking behind a woman. if you are then cross over to the other side of the road. or if this isn’t possible stop for a while to make good distance between you.


  • What are your thoughts on changing the curriculum in order to try avoiding these issues?

James – More information on the subject to educate men and women about their safety and ways to know when a situation could pose threat

Daniel – 100% schools should teach the subject just like they teach anything else. Don’t avoid the subject! People should learn how to behave.

Eliza – I think that during younger teenage years such as year 7 to 11 could have a topic about sexual crime would help to educate young people about the world that we live in and how we can avoid incidents

Avis – should be introduced taught about “no means no” and issues around it but maybe said in a more positive-reinforced setting and sprinkling the teaching of these kind attitudes throughout multiple lessons so it becomes the normal for the children?

Bailey – I think everyone needs to be educated in these types of topics. Because past generations were never opening about these types of things it’s left our generation to speak up about it and make changes so that we won’t have to see this again in the future

Andrew – Great idea, ensure consent is not “just a box ticking exercise”, it needs to be something important.

Teresa – I completely agree the curriculum should be changed. The argument that young people shouldn’t have sex and so shouldn’t be taught about those things is stupid. People will have sex at any age, and no one can stop them, they should just know the importance of consent and safety. And it’s not like when we get older the teachings around it changes.

Jason – We should change the curriculum, so consent and sexual assault is more important than it already is.

Ryan – I believe curriculum particularly in younger education needs drastic changes.  The first years of education the focus should be upon behaving as any decent person should

Betty – I think they should change it to better educate girls and boys about the reality of the world

Amelia – I think that schools should educate students more on these issues because it’s a very real and relevant problem.

Jeffree – something needs to change for people to feel safe

Ana – They could spend more time explaining it and showing documentaries.

Harper – I think they need to change the curriculum, education kids from a young age will help engrave it in their minds that this stuff is not okay

Brent – I think it is extremely important that schools educate us better on these issues.


  • What about false conviction rates? Fake rape claims? How do we avoid these miscarriages of justice?

James – I believe there are many women and men that will use fake rape claims to get what they want in selective situations; I believe the only way to ensure the avoidance of such claims would be by intensive investigation on both parties to understand the exact situation that took place

Daniel – The amount of fake rape claims is tiny in comparison to actual rape claims or rape that never goes reported. I think people who make fake rape claims, male or female, should be punished but it is by no means reason to Besmirch someone else’s claim.

Avis – Although it’s a very small percentage compared to true convictions, it is still a big issue and one used to put down women who have been raped so that the rapists get off easy. I have no idea what can be done of this issue, but I hope we can find one soon.

Bailey – I have a specific thing to say about false accusations and claims and it’s tied with how, despite things are now being talked about, stigma is still around and there’s now the romanticisation of [these] serious concepts which makes it incredibly difficult to gain the right balance

Andrew – It’s hard to prove without evidence, for both sides, the only way is DNA and witnesses.  False convictions happen less often than rape cases being ignored, but you cannot always instantly believe women because it could ruin a man’s life, but you can’t believe the man as that could ruin the life of the woman.  I don’t know what to do.

Jason – I am aware that it is something that happens. I feel like these should be made aware of.

Ryan – There are already laws in place for such things if it’s clear that the accusation is made up, prosecution for deformation of character and filing a false police report should take place but more emphasis on believing the accused more methods should really be placed into preventing rape and femicides than preventing a smaller issue crime. If those two can be resolved I am sure the fake accusations would be more clear

Betty – people should be prosecuted for fake claims 

Amelia – This is a difficult question because you get caught up between victim blaming and “innocent until proven guilty” and protecting the public. In certain cases where evidence is lacking, proving/disproving cases can be difficult. I don’t know how this issue can be overcome.

Jeffree – feel if someone files a false rape claim they should get the same punishment as what the falsely convicted [would have] due to them ruining their lives.

Brent – there is very little that can be done to prevent them without causing controversy over the fact that the rape claim could be true.


  • Do you think that tea video helps? What else could we do?

for reference, this is the video I am talking about:

James – it touches on the subject in a very joking manner, it would make more of a difference if it was presented in a very serious tone as well as [providing] information about the consequences of their actions

Daniel – it really is not serious. If you’re trying to teach kids something important, teach it to them seriously. Consent is such an important topic.

Eliza – Although it has stuck in a lot of people’s heads after seeing it, of those people a lot have clowned that video thinking it is all just a joke.

Avis – I believe it set out with the right idea, it slowly has become more of a joke than a video educating young people on a serious issue.

Bailey – It has a meaning but if people are going to be anything like us, they won’t take it seriously 

Andrew – The tea video is a good illustration, but kids look at it and don’t see the underlying message.  At the ages of 10-14 it could help, but above then, it won’t help at all and could be detrimental.  

Teresa – The tea video is awful. It is a joke in schools, and it takes away from the incredibly important subject. We should not be making jokes around the importance of this teaching. We should teach it in a way that doesn’t shy away from the message, regardless of the age. 

Jason – I do not think that the tea video helps at all because in schools it is just a joke, and it needs to be addressed more seriously.

Ryan – The tea video is awful it is not specific enough it euphemises a topic of high importance the point must be clear of the severity and the unforgivable nature of the crime. Greater sex education is required perhaps at a younger age particularly about sexual assault harassment and rape and the clear definitions of what they are as many young impressionable people may not have been aware that they have been taken advantage of

Betty – I think there needs to be more open and more frequent conversations and demonstrations about it for everyone

Harper – the tea video is confusing, especially to younger kids and makes it seem too much like a fun quirky little thing when it’s a serious issue, when they can show us scary videos for things like road safety but not rape you can tell there’s an issue. they need both hard-hitting videos and proper education on the topic, not some funny little YouTube video that they just ignore

Brent – While it is useful for getting the message across and is a national thing that everyone understands and remembers, it turns the issue into a joke.


  • What do you think about the hashtag not all men?

James – I agree as I know that a lot of men are very against any of these actions

Daniel – clearly not all men harass or rape, but the fact still remains that any man can be intimidating. Even I could be considered intimidating, so I know I need to keep that in mind. 

Eliza – I believe that it is correct. Not all men would mistreat women like some do however, because of the small amount that do, women are led to believe that all men are the same. Which in my opinion isn’t right?

Avis –I think all its doing is drowning out the women and the men who are talking about issues involving horrible men.

Bailey – I understand that not all men fit under the categories but the number of men who are involved is just too much and has become a sign of how toxic it is

Andrew – It’s factually correct, but equally, if that leads to a woman trusting all men and end up having negative experience with them, this will be detrimental in the long run 

George– it’s very true

Teresa – Yes, it isn’t all men, but it’s enough men and I believe that the men who say “it’s not all men” are the ones most likely to be misogynistic or have the ability to sexually assault as they wouldn’t feel the need to disagree if they weren’t insecure about their actions or thoughts towards women.

Jason – I understand that it isn’t All men, but the men and women who use it tend to be aggressive and seem to be part of the reason why the hate crimes exist. But I would like for the message to be given how it isn’t all men. Some look out for women, and they also want to protect those they care about.

Ryan – I think the hashtag not all men is stupid, shifting the conversation into a direction it doesn’t need to take in the first place it shows how little the majority of men care. they only begin to care when it harms their reputation. There is a distinct lack of empathy and lack of will to do what is right and the conversation must remain at the focal point of the problem preventing future generations from suffering.

Betty – I think it’s a fair point to make but it’s being overused and not always helping

Amelia – Obviously not all men are like this. We know that. The issue is that it’s ENOUGH men that it’s a serious problem. The problem is that we don’t know WHICH men and therefore feel a degree of uncertainty and fear around them all.

Harper – everyone knows the situation is not all men, no one thinks every man is a rapist or sexual assaulter, but statistically it’s enough to be scared, people are afraid of dying in a car accident, but not all cars are going to crash, and as a woman you’re more likely to die at the hands of a man then a car, so I think it’s perfectly justified to protect yourself, cause these bad men prey on the naive and vulnerable.

Brent – I think that the meaning behind the hashtag is correct in the sense that it isn’t all men but the fact that people feel the need to bring it up almost shows guilt. it shows that they care more about their reputation than the safety of women and that is disgusting.


  • What are your thoughts on victim blaming?

James – I don’t agree with blaming the victim for the actions that took place

Daniel – people who victim blame are just straight up pieces of shit. Nothing, *nothing* could possibly make the victim at fault. “They were wearing a short skirt” and? They don’t dress for you. Fuck right off.

Eliza – In my opinion, the process of victim blaming is fucked. The statement of ’she is asking for it’ makes me sick to my stomach as thinking about a woman as an object because she is wearing certain clothing.

Avis – Victim blaming is horrible. Someone has gone through something absolutely mortifying and people have the audacity blame them for what happened to them. All I can think about is “Haven’t they gone through enough?”

Andrew – Very simply, it’s one of the things which lead to court cases being dropped.  No woman is wearing a skirt with the intention to get raped that night.  She could be wearing a mini bikini with the Pornhub logo on, you do not touch that woman unless she explicitly says it’s okay.

Teresa – Victim blaming is awful. No one would ask for the trauma and PTSD that those actions lead to. No one would ask for the judgment received after people find out. No one would ask for that feeling of helplessness and disgust. Victims often blame themselves after going through that, why should you add to that.

Jason – What happens cannot be excused, and you should never blame the victim for what happened. People should be able to wear whatever they want and not be told that their outfit choice makes them a victim.

Ryan – Victim Blaming is fucking disgusting.  You wouldn’t blame the seller at a store if an armed robbery takes place, it’s no different from any other crime. support is what’s required after a crime. 

Betty – it’s awful in any circumstance

Amelia – Blaming women is absolutely ridiculous. The only people that can be blamed for rape are rapists.

Jeffree – Stupid, no one asks for it it’s stupid how people think people can ask for it 

Ana – It’s terrible because it makes the victim feel worse about the subject and like they aren’t valid.

Harper – it’s never the victim’s fault, ever, this is a traumatic event they’ve been through and to belittle that in any way it’s such an awful thing to do

Brent – victim blaming is disgusting- the person that commits the crime is the only one at fault


  • Do you think it’s in the best interest of the woman to report the assault or not? Why?

James – Yes, I do so the person in question is delt with, assuming the report for assault was genuine

Daniel – I personally think women should report their assault but I know it isn’t that easy.  I think their claims should be acknowledged, respected, taken extremely seriously and investigated and the assaulter should be punished severely. Whatever makes them the most comfortable is what’s best for them.

Eliza – Certain women that have experienced sexual assault don’t feel comfortable to share with loved ones, family or friends, let alone the police. 

Avis – Although as a society we are getting “better”, I still believe it’s really unsafe for women to talk about these things and come out about them. There will always be a person telling them it’s their own fault or giving them grief about the situation. It sucks. However, there are a lot of people out there now to help women and back them up. So maybe a better world isn’t so far away?

Bailey – It would be but again, people think they’re fake or just brush off it off so I don’t think it would always work

Andrew – It depends, in an ideal world, all rapes would get reported, all crimes would be convicted, but sadly that’s not how the world works.  If you have enough evidence, go for it 100%, if not just for you then do it for others.  If you think it will harm your mental health, then don’t do it.  It sometimes ends up with guys thinking they can get away with it, but you should to anything you can to try ensuring that you get justice.

Teresa – It often depends on the situation. 

Jason – I think that women should know that they can report it and have something come of it, but with the way it is handled currently, reporting it to the authorities is something that is entirely up to them. It needs to be addressed differently because not enough comes of it.

Ryan – I wish it was in the best interest of a woman to report an assault but often can lead to far greater backlash. But I personally think the first step toward changes in action for every voice that speaks out another may gain the confidence to do so and the clear increase in reports will require change from the police and greater intervention and prevention would take place as a result

Betty – if women reported it as much as it happens then it will open a lot of people’s eyes and help to progress a more efficient way of prosecuting and maybe even preventing

Amelia – you would also be protecting other women by having dangerous people taken off of the streets. However, going through the process of police interviews and trials and experiencing almost a guaranteed degree of victim blaming would be incredibly taxing on one’s mental health, having to relive awful experiences would be terribly traumatic.

Jeffree – I would rather they report it because they could get more assistance, but I don’t know about how much assistance there is for victims 

Ana – I think it depends on the woman feels, if she feels that she can deal with reporting it or not.

Harper – as things are currently, i think it’s always the best idea to report, but that doesn’t mean it’s at the women’s best interest. 

Brent – whether it be reporting it or telling someone you trust i think it will often be in their best interest not to keep it to themselves. while reporting it has a large chance of not resulting in any convictions, not reporting means there is no chance at all for justice.


  • Is there anything else at all you want to add?

Daniel – people should just behave with basic decency. It’s really not hard. People who do assault or rape are lowlifes who can’t be bothered to stop and think. They have no empathy and I barely consider them people to be honest.

Eliza – just a bit of advice… From a personal experience I have had, do whatever you want to do with the information that you have. Whether that is reporting it to the police, keeping it between you and your friends or telling no one. Don’t feel like you are obligated to tell anyone whatever the situation.

Avis – To conclude everything I have said, the world sucks, if time, but maybe there’s hope for us yet?

Andrew – To any guys with female friends out there: try being with them as much as possible, not because men need to protect women but because it’s far less likely and no one will hurt them or try anything.  If you’re considering it: think about it as if it was your daughter, sister, or mother that this was happening to and if you’re a girl, support other girls, don’t gang up on them.  And the educate your sons movement is a great idea – something which my opinion has changed on over the past month.

Teresa – The issue will continue unless someone does something. Whether it’s changing the curriculum to teach the impacts that actions can have or changing the process for convictions. No matter what it is, something needs to be changed.

Jeffree – More support is needed to make people more comfortable coming forward with confidence to report an issue instead of hiding it from people

Harper – I just want to say I hope people don’t let this be another trend that dies out in a week cause it’s not popular to talk about it anymore, because that happens too much


  • What questions do you have? Who for?

Daniel – what can I do as a man to make women as stress free as possible whilst going about my day-to-day life? 

Andrew – For most guys: how hard is it to be a decent human being? That’s more rhetorical but, it counts.

Teresa – for any person who has ever raped or assaulted anyone. Why? What compelled you to put a person through that?

Harper – to men who say not all men, why are you so desperate to make yourself seem so good? cause to most women it makes you seem way worse than better.

Brent – I would love to know how women feel, I have had conversations with family members about their opinions and they are as expected but a range of views would be interesting.


First of all, thank you again to everyone who helped me to write that. I know that it wasn’t easy for all of you, but you all did it and it really means so much and it was interesting to hear everyone’s take on this issue.

Thank you so much for reading this incredibly long article, I really hope that it has opened your eyes and that this is a topic which will continue to be spoken about until change finally happens permanently. Similar to the BLM movement, how many more innocent people have to die until we realise we need to make a change? Hopefully no more, but until that day comes, I’ll be here shouting from the rooftops until I go hoarse.

This is one of the hardest articles I have ever had to write, but I honestly feel so much better now that I have done it. I’ve also put so much work into it, even if it doesn’t seem like it, but thank you so much for reading. Please comment your opinions because I would really love to hear them.

Stay safe, stay kind, viva le resistance baby!! (we’re bringing that back), I love you all,

xo baby, Tati xoxo

End Rape Culture and Victim Blaming!

Today I need to write about something I feel very strongly about. Of course, as I am a big activist and feminist, I have lots of topics to choose from, but the first one that came to mind was the problem with victim blaming and rape culture. Throughout this article, I am going to be explaining what problems our society has with victim blaming, going into my own and others stories of why we don’t speak out, and why there’s so much stigma around being sexually assaulted. This is quite a heavy-hitting topic so a trigger warning for anyone who is sensitive towards sexual abuse and the topic as a whole. Stay safe, I love you all, and let’s raise awareness about our shitty society! This article took me a super long time, researching, putting all my thoughts into words and making those words actually make sense. This is probably one of my favourite blog articles because I’m so proud of it so please let me know if you prefer articles like this which are more structured and informative 🙂

How can we get rid of #RapeCulture ? - Forum - Know My Rights Clothing Co.

What Is Victim Blaming and Why Is It Bad?

For anyone who doesn’t know, victim blaming is, quite simply, putting the blame of what happened onto the victim instead of the perpetrator. In the UK, only 15% of people who have been assaulted reported it to the police. There are many reasons why people don’t say anything and why the #MeToo movement was ground breaking as it showed that lots of people have suffered from abuse without speaking out. As you can see in the image above, those are some of the most common reasons that people are afraid to speak out. The world we life in presents such a stigma around being sexually assaulted, that rape culture and victim blaming is a common thing.

After my story was reported, I had lots of people ask me extremely personal questions, and try to put the blame on me. this is not ok. This promotes the fact we live in a society which sexualises people for what they wear, claiming that “if you wear a skirt that short, you are clearly asking for the attention” which is total bullshit. Wear whatever you want, do whatever you want, as I always say, as long as you’re not harming yourself or others in any way, go wild, do whatever you want. If it makes you happy, do it!! It’s despicable the amount of victims who haven’t been taken seriously because of what they were wearing, their alcohol intake at the time, and if they were flirting or not.

Some Photos To Think About:

Vancouver student Rosea Lake's photo etitled "Judgement" has gone viral, with more than 280,000 people liking and re-blogging it on Tumblr.
"Não meça o valor de uma mulher por suas roupas"
"Não meça o valor de uma mulher por suas roupas"

The way we dress doesn’t mean yes!

Literally every single woman, ever.

Those Who Assault and Why Many People Don’t Come Forward

Unfortunately, being assaulted is something you have to constantly be cautious about. If you are a female, I’m pretty sure you’ll know the fear you get when you walk alone anywhere. If I even hear so much as a patter of footsteps, I completely freak out and my brain goes full panic mode. The most worrying fact is I’m no longer fazed by catcallers and people yelling out to me, it’s an occurrence I’ve being mostly desensitised to. In the recent years, people (mostly men) who have either yelled abuse, cat-called me or said/done something inappropriate to me – a minor – is staggeringly high. It’s gotten to such a bad stage that when my friends see something like that, they freak out in situations I just shrug off. I used to love walking alone, putting in my headphones, listening to Taylor Swift, feeling like I was in some sort of music video, but now my friends (bless their little overprotective hearts) always make sure I’m not walking alone, or that if I am, that I message them once I’m home. They like being there to protect me and, even though I’d never admit it to them, I feel a lot safer with them around.

However, in many ways, being catcalled by someone who you have never met before is so much better than being sexualised or made uncomfortable by someone you know. You know that society has a problem when I have to choose one of those to nightmarish situations as a “preference”. God our world is f*cked. Statistics show that 90% of victims knew the perpetrator prior to the abuse. (Leaving all links to my info at the bottom of this so you all know I didn’t pull these percentages out of thin air). This is one of the reasons that I didn’t report as I was afraid I would be seen as provoking him. That’s the problem with being abused by your childhood friend, no-one will believe you because you still act as if everything is fine and dandy because you’re just so desperate to go back to how things were, even though you know there is no hope of that ever happening.

After My Story Was Told – My Experiences

I remember the entire day that everything came out like it was yesterday. I’ve spoken about it multiple times now and if you’re new around here, welcome and you can check out all of that here. As you know, the case never got convicted, which is a very common occurrence. Conviction rates for rape and sexual abuse are so much lower than other cases, with only 5.7% reported rape cases ending in conviction. We can’t expect to be taken seriously when almost all cases are acquitted before they’re even opened.

Something else which my abuser did after he started abusing me is he claimed to be gay. God, the poor LGBTQ community, you get enough hate as it is. He claimed to be gay two months after the abuse began, and continued to be vocal about “how hard it is to be homosexual” – when he’s… ya know, not. I learnt something the other day when I was watching stand up comedy which honestly made me laugh so, so much. Now I’m writing this I’m still laughing because it makes me sick and I can’t deal with it any other way. I found out that Bill Cosby and Harvey Weinstein – two of the most notorious Hollywood sex offenders – decided they were now also gay because their lawyers were failing them. I have no issue with famous actors and actresses who are gay, but when they fake it so they can avoid sexual assault charges? Oh, sweetie, someone will be getting hurt and it’s not going to be me.

Why I’m Still Shouting This From The Rooftops – Statistics Which Make Me Shudder

A third of people believe women who flirt are partially responsible for being raped (Amnesty, 2005)

Approximately 85,000 women and 12,000 men (aged 16 – 59) experience rape, attempted rape or sexual assault by penetration in England and Wales alone every year; that’s roughly 11 of the most serious sexual offences (of adults alone) every hour. 

Approximately 70 women commit suicide every day in the US following an act of sexual violence.

During 2019, 13% of all women in California were victims of rape.

A quarter of male victims of sexual assault were under 10 years of age.

Infographic showing the number of people victimized in one year. Number broken down by inmates (80,600), children (61,000), general public (284,000), and military (18,900).

Take This Away:

If you take anything at all away from this article please bare this image in mind…

I snapped 🌪🌬 – Daddy's little angel

Remember: It’s not your fault, it never was, you shouldn’t have to be held accountable for someone else’s actions.


Information:

https://rapecrisis.org.uk/get-informed/about-sexual-violence/statistics-sexual-violence/

https://www.rainn.org/statistics/scope-problem

“You’re peng but…” What Someone Told Me That I’ll Never Forget

I have a feeling this is meant to be positive and heart-warming, but who has time for that crap? I’m fuelled by insults and hate, it’s what makes me rise up and grow stronger.

One day, someone said to me – pre warning this may make you feel very uncomfortable because it’s sexualising a minor – and I quote

“Tati, you’re hot, peng and you have great tits [something which he has never seen, considering he’s only seen me in my school uniform]. But, the only way I’d date you is if you shut up about your opinions and let the men talk. Also if you dressed less like a whore then people may feel more sorry for you when you say you were sexually assaulted by different guys.”

I remember exactly who said this to me, what had caused them to say this, where I was when they said this, how I responded and why I never forgot it. So, without further ado, let’s delve in and analyse this quote!

Who: Of course I won’t expose this person by name because that’s not what I do. It just promotes more hate and fuels the cancel culture this society feeds off. However, we shall call this person… [brb currently looking up random names which don’t have any relation to me] Kronos! Kronos was someone I knew from school who added me on Snapchat to ask for help with schoolwork.

Where and When? This time last year ironically! It was the start of the summer holidays (after the sexual assault allegations surfaced) in 2019, just after I’d finished my year ten exams.

What caused Kronos to say this? We were on the phone just chatting, as I do with many of my friends, and I was jokingly complaining about how no-one likes me and that I’m going to die alone. [I swear to be overdramatic and true too Taylor!] So, of course, Kronos decided to be “helpful” and give me this lovely… boost in self-confidence? Constructive criticism? Just plain insult? Who knows?!

How did I respond to this? At the time, as ashamed as I am to admit it, I pretty much just said “oh, okay” because I didn’t really know what to say. However, it’s safe to say I cut off almost all contact with Kronos because he made me so uncomfortable. If he said this to me now though, I’d most likely roundhouse kick him into another dimension.

Why I never forgot. As a 14 year-old, vulnerable girl, I should not have just shrugged it off like I did. However, as bad as it is, it’s just part of the job description when you’re a girl. You have to deal with boys saying things which make you squirm, as wrong as it is. Even though I will never ever stop fighting the good fight of pressing on with my feminist agenda, I have begun to accept this sort of thing as a part of life, which is just so wrong. Please take this into account before you open your mouth and say something which involves making someone upset, degrading, telling them what to do, sexualising them or even simply calling them peng.

Thanks for reading this light-hearted but kinda important feminist article. I’m going to be cheeky and pretend it’s a Friday so I can say it’s a Feminist Friday post! Love you peng people, xo baby, Tati xoxo

becoming tatiana.

When I began this blog, I created a character of sorts. Her name was Tatiana and she was everything I wanted to be in life and more.

A sarcastic voice of reason, Tati was an outspoken girl in a man’s world. She wasn’t simply an alter ego to me, she was the person that I was afraid of being all those years.

I was a very shy person, constantly worried about what people thought of me and how I was portrayed in this big wide world. That changed when I started this blog. Tati was confident, bubbly, overall a teenage girl who appeared to be completely at peace with herself. As time progressed, I began transforming into this person I’d always dreamed of being. I was relaxed, didn’t really care what people would say about me – and trust me, they said a lot. I wasn’t just transforming in real life, I was transforming here to. I became very honest with my readers, explaining to them what had happened in my past and how it shaped me to be who I am today. Totally Tatiana wasn’t just a creative outlet anymore, it was a place I could go, a safe haven where I felt understood and not judged.

I’ve began writing about anything and everything. I’m not doing this for the “greater good”, I’m doing this for me, because I am Tatiana. I act like a queen because I am a queen. I’m so happy that this blog has helped different people, but it has helped me too.

I’m doing better than I ever was, the nightmares and PTSD are practically non-existent, my meds are working super well, I don’t need therapy as much any more, I feel safe and secure and overall content with how everything has turned out.

This time last year I was a hot mess, this year, I’m still a hot mess, but I own that shit now. I’m Tatiana and I am strong and powerful and I have finally become at peace with myself.

The world’s given me some pretty bad situations, but I keep on fighting and rising higher. Bring it on.

I’ll see you at the top. T xx

Mental Health Check – How I’m Doing

This is another mental health awareness post.  This time I’m here to show you how my life has been recently, kind of like a general update so you know why my posts have been so sporadic recently.  It’s a relatively personal post but that’s not too different to usual.  As always, my life has been a roller-coaster of emotions, feelings and experiences and I’ve been facing the highest of highs but also the lowest of lows.  So, here’s a general update on how I’m doing.

TW// eating disorders, self-harm, PTSD, sexual assault.

Recently I have been struggling lots with an array of things.  I wish I could say that everything’s perfect, but things have been difficult and coming to terms with that is one of the hardest things I’ve had to do.  Feeling like you should be feeling so much better than you are is something I’ve struggled with lots but recently I’ve found it near impossible.  There are loads of different reasons as to why I am struggling lots, all with different causes and triggers.  I can’t stay in lessons for the whole 75 minutes without taking some time out of the class just to collect my thoughts and calm down.  On the rare occasions where I can stay in the class, my focus just leaves me, and I am unable to do work.  Panic attacks are a daily occurrence and I can’t go a day without getting flashbacks or PTSD.  I’m getting constantly slut-shamed by people I don’t know and people who claim to be my friends and I can’t go anywhere alone as I am scared that I’ll get harassed as that has happened many times before.  My self-confidence deteriorates by the day and I’ve developed a toxic relationship with food.  I can’t stand people touching my stomach and only close friends and family members can hug me.  I struggle to sleep and when I do, I get nightmares and I can only go to sleep if there is some background noise like a YouTube video.  I accidentally end up in toxic friendships and find it harder to let people in and make friends then ever before.  Finally, I’ve lost friends who mean the world to me, who, before this year, I couldn’t imagine my life without them.  This may be a part of growing up, but it doesn’t make it any easier for you to let them go.

However, luckily for me, it’s not all doom and gloom.  He may be strong, but I am stronger.  Whatever he tries to throw at me, I can dodge it and it’ll bounce back or reflect onto him.  I’m honestly just very happy I have positives in my life which are what keep me going day in day out.  They can be small things like me managing to (mostly) keep on top of schoolwork.  Or one of my favourite compliments I’ve been receiving recently which is “But you seem so happy!   I’d never expect you to be depressed.”  I’m in a specialist therapy to help with the trauma – called EMDR – and it’s been working quick well! (I’ll write a blog article on it when I finally leave it) my anti-depressants are working well which is amazing – I may be 50mg away from the highest dosage but if it works it works.  I haven’t self-harmed since the 26th June 2019 no matter how close I’ve been to relapsing which is quite impressive.  I have a boyfriend who I really like and care about and it shows “I can trust another individual enough and let them into my life in a romantic way” – my therapists’ words.  My friends and family also like him (other than my big and little brother being slightly jealous that there’s another man in my life – sorry guys)  and he also reads this blog straight away and is supportive of everything I do – he’s a keeper, what more can I say.  I’m slowly getting better with physical contact and I don’t always freak out as much as I once did when people touch certain areas of my body.  I’m making a difference in my community and the people in it, helping people through things, raising awareness about what’s important to me etc.  I have an amazing tight-knit group of friends who – when we’re together – are all completely off the scale crazy but I wouldn’t have them any other way.  We have so many inside jokes and we’re all just one crazy mismatched family who support each other no matter what, no matter how crazy the idea is.  Speaking of families, my biological family have been – as always – the most supportive people you will ever meet.  My Grandparents read my blog and always message me about it, saying how good it is and how brave I am, my parents deal with my emotions day in day out and are always there for me when I need them most.  Even my aunts and uncles who – I think – don’t know what’s going on are still always so kind and loving (and they cook the best food, honestly, they do).  Finally, I’m mentally stronger than ever before.  Physically I may have the strength of a new-born baby who just got shoved out the womb but mentally I am Superman.  I may still have days which are my Kryptonite but overall, the good outweighs the bad and that’s all I have ever wanted.

So, there you have it!   That’s what’s been going on in my life for the past couple of months!

Thank you so much for reading, I love you all, stay safe and I’ll see you soon!

xo baby, Tati xoxo

Here’s a toast to my real friends that didn’t care about the he said she said

This Is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things – Taylor Swift

An Overview of My Life Since 2018

So, quite simply and bluntly, I was sexually assaulted for around a year in total by someone who I considered a close friend before this.  I will be raising awareness for this and I will be writing articles to try end stigma around assault in general – particularly with teens and young adults.  Due to the fact I’ll be writing about it so much, I feel it’ll help if you read a general overview about the whole situation and it saves me from having to write an essay before I can get into the actual article and I don’t do clickbait.  Although, please read with the reminder this may not be suitable if you get triggered by reading about sexual assault, depression and suicidal thoughts.  I won’t go into the horrific details, as I find that still hard to talk about myself but just remember these themes will be involved throughout the article.  Stay safe and I love you all x

After the sexual assault began (for a timescale it began spring half term 2018 – when I was in year nine.), my mood began deteriorating extremely quickly.  My best friend who’s been my rock – Thumper – began noticing and one night I explained to him about what had been happening with this individual.  Thumper was so supportive and gradually encouraged me to tell the friends I’ve had since I was about six. 

Around six months later, my parents noticed I wasn’t acting like myself; I was more closed off, wouldn’t talk as much, and I was not motivated to get out the house.  My parents – the amazing people they are – took me to see a psychiatrist to review my mental health (I was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder when I was 11 but this seemed different).  I didn’t tell her about the sexual assault and so she diagnosed me with having a depressive episode – no real trigger points known.

Fast forward to September 2018 – I began Year 10, my mental health totally unstable and taking a turn for the worse and the abuse still occurring.  I didn’t go to any lessons because I didn’t see the point – I wasn’t going to have a future anyway.  By the time it got t Spring Half Term 2019, I was on 150mg of Sertraline, I was avoiding him at all costs, and I was going to therapy.  Then, I met this guy.  He was nice, he was cool, we hit it off, we started dating and life was going okay – except for the constant low moods and suicidal thoughts.  I had a boyfriend and I found a new group of friends and I felt slightly better (spoiler alert yet again: they were bad news but what I needed to get away from my abuser)

Fast forward to May 2019 – I had been dating this guy for about a month and one night I felt like I confided in him about how I was getting sexually assaulted by someone for eight-ish months and he promised me that he wouldn’t tell anyone unless it happened again.  Just so my explanation makes sense, I need to clear something up: my boyfriend doesn’t live near me, but his friends do and they go to my school.  This will make sense shortly. 

So, a few weeks went past and my boyfriend told no one about the assault but then one Wednesday afternoon, I decided to walk home from school with a few of my friends.  One of the “friends” who was there was the assaulter himself.  Now, before you jump to conclusions, nothing had happened since around October 2018 and I missed my friendship with him – I’ve known him since I was 5 for God’s sake!  I’ll explain more about the manipulation I faced with him another time.  So, as I was walking back with my friends – there were four of us in total – it was fun and there were a lot of laughs.  As my friends dropped off one by one, it left me and the abuser.  I won’t go into detail, but he did it again.

I ran straight home and phoned my boyfriend straight away – I felt so guilty!  Even though it was non-consensual, it still felt as though I cheated on him and I felt dirty, disgusting and gross.  My boyfriend leapt into action right away, contacted his friend straight away who planned to report it to school the following day.  I freaked out, I didn’t want anyone to know how weak I was, I didn’t want my parents to find out and there were so many other reasons I didn’t want anyone to find out.  I went to sleep that night feeling panicked, stressed and depressed.

The following day (fun fact it was my Dad’s birthday so guessed who ruined that for him…  Sorry – I’ll make it up to you next year I promise J) I had my final end of year exam and my boyfriend’s friend came up to me promising he wouldn’t report it to the school – to say the least I was so relieved.  I felt like I didn’t have to worry about it ever coming out.  However, as happy as I felt, I felt as though something wasn’t right – I just couldn’t work out what it was.

By the end of the test, I got let out of the exam hall and I waited around for some of my friends.  Suddenly, my boyfriend’s friend came up to me and told me he was reporting the whole situation to our safeguarding teacher and there was nothing I could do to stop him.  I was gobsmacked.  I felt as though he betrayed my trust, didn’t care about how I felt whatsoever, and I didn’t know whether to scream at the top of my lungs or just curl into a ball and cry.  Of course, I now know he did it because he was looking out for me and wanted me to be safe – I appreciate that majorly.

A school day had never gone slower for me, each time someone came into my classroom, I froze and had a panic attack.  I couldn’t deal with the stress or tension I was feeling.  Finally, at the near end of an agonising day, I was told to go to one of the many safeguarding offices in my school, and I found out this wasn’t just a school issue and that the police had been informed and were coming over to my house later on that evening.  The school would contact me the following Monday to discuss what I should do about school going forwards.  Once I got home, the police spoke to me and told me I had to make a statement.  Then, the school called and said I wasn’t allowed to go into school until further notice for my own “safety” which was honestly even more ridiculous than when I found out Donald Trump was going to be president of the US (yes, I am getting political).

That following week was the total definition of bittersweet, sometimes I felt higher than the clouds but then other times I felt lower than the lowest I thought I could feel.  Although there were some good things which came out of that week, for example, I managed to speak about things I thought I was going to take to the grave, I found out I have the most supportive family in the history of the world (thanks Mum and Dad) and that I had the most amazing friends I’ve ever wished for.

Of course, I was bound to crash back into reality after being in Neverland for so long and I crashed when I had to go back to school.  I had people forcing me to answer questions I didn’t feel comfortable with, had people turn against me, had people corner me in the halls, had people ask me to do unspeakable things for them and so much more.  But I somehow miraculously got through it.  I also got through the last few weeks of year ten feeling kickass with some newfound support.  Of course, it was still extremely difficult to have to see him in school every day, but I wasn’t ever going to give up that easily, I’d come so far and the summer holidays were just around the corner.

The summer holidays were truly amazing, they were the break I desperately needed from school.  I went back to school in year 11, ready to run the world.  I hadn’t heard anything from the police but then out of the blue, on a Sunday night, my parents got a phone call which said the police have decided to drop the case due to lack of evidence.  I was mortified, it felt as though all the work I’d put in, the hell I’d gone through had all been for nothing.  I got no closure, no satisfaction, nothing.  I became completely numb.  But thank God for my lord and saviour that horrific evening – my friend came over straight away and managed to help me through the storm and I don’t know where I’d be without her.  The biggest positive about the case being dropped though is that I now have a platform.  A platform to spread the word about how stuff like this does happen and how cases get dropped almost daily.  They say we should speak up when all they do is silence us.  But anyone who knows me will know I don’t do silence.  If someone tells me to be quiet, I’ll shout it from the rooftops and even though I’ve had so many people try to shut me up, they’ve not succeeded, and I have no plans for that to stop anytime soon.

See you all soon, stay kickass and don’t conform with what society pushes upon you.  Fight back – viva la résistance!

xo baby,

Tati xx

Girl Love

Tina Fey once said “You have got to stop calling each other sluts and whores. It just makes it okay for guys to call you sluts and whores” and that’s one of my mantras in life. Girls are always so well known for being two-faced, shady and just plain mean – even my Mum has said to me since I was younger that people are mean, but girls can be the worst. I’m not here to tell you to love all and Hakuna Matata your way through all your issues but I am here to try get you to love and support your peers.

With everything going on in the media in the past years, with the #MeToo movement and the abortion laws changing across the world to name a few, us girls should stick together now more than ever. Unfortunately, that’s not always the case. I’ve had my fair share of girlfriends who’ve left me in my times of need, called me an “attention seeker” when they learnt I was depressed, said I was “asking for it” behind my back when I said to them about how I’ve been sexually assulted by someone. I just want to make it clear: as horrible as what they’re saying is, you are strong, beautiful and powerful and you can change the world. These girls are idiotic and it’s clear there is nothing going on in their sad little lives so they decide to take it out on you. That doesn’t make it any less horrible or mean and that won’t change how you feel about them, but time can heal these wounds.

I’m not saying we should love the people who screwed you over in life just because they’re females – at the end of the day they did screw you over. What I am saying though, is you shouldn’t spread gossip about someone just because you’ve fallen out with them, it’s totally unneeded and rude. However, I do want to encorage girl love: give compliments to other girls, tell them what you think, bring them up not down. If a girl seems upset, go speak to her and try help, you never know, you could make a new friend. If you hear gossip or anything mean about someone that’s painfully untrue – call the people who are talking about it out! Tell them what they’re spouting is total rubbish and totally unneeded. These are just a few ideas but you’re all imaginative and unique so I’m sure you have other plans on how to show girl love.

Just remember, you are strong, you are brave and you can rise above it all. Go out there and kick ass, take the high road, it’ll look better on you in the long run and it won’t impact your mental health as negatively – more details about what negatively impacts your mental health soon!

xo baby,

Tati xx