Hard Lessons

As I’ve worked my way through secondary school, I’ve learnt plenty of things the hard way. But I think the hardest thing I’ve learnt is that life isn’t a fairy tale and some people are just evil.

I like to see the best in people. However, people aren’t always great.

When you’re younger, you’re told fairy tales about how the mighty prince defeats the evil witch and saves the princess. However, when you get older, the like between good vs evil becomes gradually more blurred and that person you thought was your knight in shining armour could actually be a heartless witch in disguise.


The whole idea of good vs evil is something that really fascinates me. Are you born evil or are you raised that way? Can an evil person have a redemption arc? I’m in the process of researching for a properly science style article about the nature v nurture debate and how it can impact a person. That should be published next month at some point so follow my blog if you want to check that out!


Back onto topic, when I was younger, I dreamt of someone sweeping me off my feet and love at first sight and all that soppy crap. Now I’m older, I’ve finally started to realise that the world isn’t all blue skies, sunshine’s, and tan lines.

I don’t know when I got so cynical, but it was most likely after I got sexually assaulted for the first time. [I’m sorry, that was so blunt, I just don’t know how else to word it]. That was a turning point in my life. Yes, my short 15-year-long life. I realised that evil isn’t just confined to the pages of a book I read when I was five; but instead it’s a real thing, prowling, lurking around every corner, ready to jump out like a figment of your worst imagination.

So, life isn’t a fairy tale. It took me a long time to accept that, longer than I’d like to admit. However, now, I like to think that life is more of a comic book, and I’m Wonder Woman or something and I fight for justice while battling evil and looking hella good along the way. And, I’m okay with that. It’s better to be the damsel in distress who can handle it than the damsel in distress who’s weak and defeated.

As I always say, they may have tried to break me, but they forget I’m unbreakable.


Honestly, this isn’t my proudest work, but out of all the drafts I made for this article (trust me, there were loads), I liked this one the most. If you did enjoy this though, please like it, it’ll mean the world to me!

The Best Days: Missing the Memories

First of all, it’s my brother’s birthday today, so yay him! Just reached double digits, and even though I can’t really post a photo of his face here, I’ve decided to turn him into Danny DeVito (my king) and put a photo of the king instead of my baby.

I’m not shrinking it because I think we should appreciate him in all his glory

Moving rather swiftly on from my funny five minutes, things I miss.

You are all almost definitely aware by now that I am a super emotional person and I end up missing lots of things, people and objects alike. It’ll take way to long to list every single thing I miss, so I’ve decided to talk about one of the slightly more bizarre things I miss: days out, moments and memories.

Some days are so great that you can’t help but reminisce about them and wish that you could re-live that day again. I’m here to tell you about some of the most memorable days of my life, that I still can’t help missing now. I’ve been planning this article for a while now, and I finally have a reason to do it which is super cool! So let’s go! Two birds, one stone!

  1. The British Museum

In October 2018, I had one of the best days of my life. My family and I went to London to the British museum because my brother was studying Egyptians at the time and they have the famous Rosetta Stone there. After looking at the artefacts, something I really enjoyed, we met up with my Dad (he was working in London while we were at the museum) and went to my favourite restaurant chain: Hard Rock Café. It was an amazing day and I constantly wish I could do it all again.

2. Day out in Brighton with my big brother

30th August 2019, I spent an entire day with my friend in Brighton. The last time I went there was when I was around six, so it was really nice to go again. The weather was gorgeous, we went up the I360 which was one of the most amazing experiences of my life – even though I’m super scared of heights, I adored this. We walked along the beach, played games at the pier and the weather was absolutely amazing. On a slightly different topic, the food was great. We both completely pigged out, Greggs washed down with Starbucks for a mid-morning snack, Taco Bell for lunch, pretty sure we had other snacks because that’s just how we are, and then McDonald’s for dinner, with a McFlurry at 10pm because that’s just how we roll. When I was feeling rubbish in school that following term, I just kept reminding myself of how much I enjoyed that day and how ready I am to do it all over again.

3. SITC

Even though it was two days, they were still the greatest days. I got so many hugs! I went with my amazing friend Thumper, and we met a load of new people who we instantly became great friends with, and dubbed ourselves “the bagel cult”. I felt super accepted by everyone I met and it was really cool to meet some of my all time favourite YouTubers.

4. Taylor Swift’s Reputation Tour Concert

You should by now be fully aware that I have a tiny obsession with Taylor Swift, so when my Mum got tickets to her tour, I was so excited. It was by far the greatest concert I have ever been to, the set was insane, the costumes were to die for and it was one of the greatest experiences of my life. As soon as she goes on tour again, you better believe I’m getting front row tickets.

5. The day in London with my Dad

As you can work out from context clues alone, I love London. I also love musicals and true crime, but that will make sense in a moment. So, when I was given the opportunity to go to the London Dungeons with my Dad, I grabbed it with both hands. It was so much fun, especially because they’d just introduced a new Jack the Ripper experience – something I was studying in school – so it was educational and so much fun! After we spent time walking around London, we sat in a McDonald’s (I think McDonald’s is a reoccurring theme to be honest), my Dad bought us tickets to see my all time favourite musical, The Book of Mormon, live in the West End! The seats were four rows away from the stage which was perfect and I loved it. The whole day was an amazing bonding experience with my Dad and I still wish I could relive that day over and over again.

Even though I really miss these days and experiences, I’m happy they’re memories, because even though I know I can never repeat them, they shaped who I am today and I’m so grateful to each of these experiences for giving me hope, or a safe space to think about when I’m in an awful situation. As Tay-Tay says…

Hold onto the memories and they will hold onto you.

New Years Day, Taylor Swift

Something Different…

As many of you know, August is my birth month. I’m planning on taking a little holiday from blogging, so I can focus on other aspects of my life. I’m starting sixth form in September, I’m trying to get a summer job, all in all, I want to get my head in the game. (woo Wildcats! (for those of you who understand that reference, I love you. (yes I’m using brackets in brackets, now in brackets. Don’t know how I ended up here but I don’t think my English teachers read this blog… so I think I’m safe? Unless brackets in brackets is a thing and I’m just uncultured swine. Anyway, back to normal programming!)))

However, I don’t want to throw you completely out of the loop, and I adore writing blog articles, it is my creative brain dump (outlet may sound more dignified but this blog isn’t exactly dignified). So, after thinking, I have decided that this August, I’m going to be spicing things up a bit by pre-writing an article for every single day thing month!

Does this make sense? If not, long story short, I’m taking a break, I’ll probably take a week max to be fair, but I’m doing it all the same. So I can still get the clout I love, I am going to be preparing a new article for each day in August.

What are all these articles going to be about? Well, I have recently stumbled upon Mel, creator of Life, Entirely. I must say, I am a massive fan of her posts, she and I are quite similar in our content and I hope that one day, my blog will be as successful as hers! She has created a 30 Day Writing Challenge, which I will be doing every single day this month, come rain or shine. The challenge is below and I hope you enjoy finding out more about me!

I’ve really enjoyed writing these articles and I hope you enjoy them too! If not, don’t stress as I’ll be back to normal programming soon enough anyway.

Love you,

Tati xoxo

Saturday Nights

So, I’m single and I’m happy this way. I feel like you need to know this to understand the context of my story.

Due to the fact I am a single lady, I spend Saturday nights alone. Even if it sounds incredibly depressing, I have come to look forward to these evenings as I feel it gives me time to focus on myself and I have time to properly care for myself.

After spending time with my brother, when he goes up to bed, I normally call my friends just to see how they’re doing and things. I do this for about half an hour, then, when the sun starts to set, the party for one begins.

I’ll turn off all communication with the outside world, grab my Winnie the Pooh blanket, turn my laptop onto airplane mode and switch on the TV, searching for something to watch. Every few weeks, I decide to watch some stand-up comedy which is what I did this evening. I’ve always loved stand-up because it’s so light-hearted and you can just switch off and laugh your worries away. It also makes me feel less alone because of the interpersonal relationships you build with the comedian performing (media studies ftw). This evening I watched an array of different funny guys: Pete Davidson, Donald Glover, Bo Burnham and then ending with Russell Howard. Each of these comedians mean something to me, hence why I chose them this Saturday Night.

Before I pressed play on Pete Davidson, I decided to get some snacks. I normally get super hungry from around 9pm onwards so I helped myself to a bowl of cereal, a pear, some strawberries and chocolate. This may sound healthy now, but wait a few hours and you’ll see me turn into a hungry hippo!

Munching away, I resumed watching comedy, feeling at ease listening to their jokes which appealed to my dark sense of humour.

At around 11pm, I was part way done with Bo Burnham’s “Be Happy” and I got hungry again. I paused my game of solitaire and got my Dad to make me some cheese on toast. Not to be cheesy (I apologise profusely) but my Dad 100% makes the best cheese on toast in the world – no questions asked.

After entering cheese heaven, I continued watching Netflix and playing solitaire when at 1am, my Mum finally managed to convince me to go to bed. After talking to my parents for a while, I went to bed, put on some YouTube and drifted off to a magical world of slumber.

Why did I post this article you wonder? Being single is portrayed as the worst thing on earth, when in reality, I cherish evenings where I can just be myself and ugly-laugh to my hearts content. That to me is self-love.

What’s your version of self-love? Everyone is different and there are no wrong answers. Just remember to disconnect from your phone once in a while and take time for you and you only.

Love and hugs, Tati xo

Random Things I’ve Been Doing During Lockdown

See, I vowed to stop writing lockdown articles because I feel like it just gets everyone down and that’s not good because I’m here to inspire, encourage and just help everyone to vibe! But, I felt like this was a rather light hearted article, so I caved and decided to write it. I hope you enjoy and there’s a notice at the end which is kind of important!

Since GCSEs were cancelled, I’ve needed to find something to do for all the time I was meant to be revising and working. I complete all my schoolwork the day it’s set (nerd, I know), which means I have a lot of free time. I could spend this time catastrophising and falling down the deep pit of despair, but that’s very unproductive, and I love being organised and busy. (I ooze Pinterest mum energy if you haven’t been able to tell) Instead, I have devoted my time into random skills and hobbies which may (but most likely may not) help me in the future! If you’re sat at home, bored out of your poor little mind, never fear! For Tati is here!

This is also a good way to keep you busy so you don’t focus on the negatives, thus helping your mental health 🙂 – I’ve got your back babes xx

  1. I can now make sushi! This is a super random one, but for Christmas last year I got a sushi making kit, but I never really had the time to actually make the sushi. Luckily, I have all the time in the world now! (I don’t actually know if that’s lucky…) Nonetheless, I have really enjoyed making sushi and giving it to my friends and family.
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

2. I’ve been doing lots of artwork. I used to love doing mindful colouring – I found it very calming and the end product made me happy. However, recently I have decided to step out of my comfort zone and draw as well. I’ve never been that confident in my artwork and so it’s been really lovely to be proud of my work – which is a rarity for me!

3. I have found solace in Solitaire. A strangely therapeutic game for me, whenever I’m bored or need to relax I just play a game of solitaire! When I was about six or seven, I used to always play with my Grandma and she’d help to show me all the tricks of the trade and I’m looking forward to showing her how much I’ve improved since then!

Photo by Midhun Joy on Pexels.com

4. I’ve organised my room on multiple occasions. I have thrown loads of stuff out of my room and it has been very cathartic. It feels like I am giving myself a fresh start and I’m trying to start a new chapter in my life. You know what they say! Clean room, clean mind, organised room, organised mind.

5. Present shopping! My Mum, Dad, brother and I are all summer babies. This means that there is a lot of present shopping around this time. Now, let me tell you this: I love present shopping. It’s an obsession at this point. If it’s anyone’s birthday coming up, I’ll make a board on Pinterest (which you should definitely follow me on here) and then I decide what present I think will suit them best. I feel like Santa, analysing exactly what I think everyone wants and what will give them the most joy. If Santa ever needs some time off, I’m your (wo)man.

6. Organising parties! This was one of my favourite things to do before lockdown, and it’s still my favourite thing to do now! I love planning things, especially parties and because it’s the big sweet sixteen coming up, I’ve been planning for that! It helps me to focus on one thing and it really helps my budgeting skills and party planning abilities in general!

Photo by Melissa on Pexels.com

7. Fitness routines. I’m a sucker for a routine and when it comes to working out, nothing really changes! I’m working on a few articles at the moment about being fit and healthy as a teen so follow my blog so you can be notified every time I post a new article! 🙂

Photo by Trang Doan on Pexels.com

8. Re-branding myself. This lockdown, I have dedicated much of my time to becoming the true Tati. I’ve been working on articles here so I can post once or twice a week, I’ve been wearing whatever I want, I’ve been cutting out all the fakies and the flakies for good which is really exciting. I’m finally starting a new chapter of my life and I’m excited for you all to come along for the ride!

9. Practicing make-up looks! Every time I go out of the house, I’ve been trying a new look to go with my outfits (you can see more of my outfits here). It’s been another fun creative outlet and I know I’ll be able to look my best for sixth form this September!

Photo by Kaboompics .com on Pexels.com

10. Modelling and taking photos. I’ve been working a lot on my Pinterest recently and this leads me neatly into my news…

As you know, I deleted Instagram in February but I’m planning on re-downloading it at some point. Until then, I have appointed a new member to the Totally Tatian clan – Estella! Estella is in charge of my Instagram and she is my photographer as well as my overall rock. She is the one who I run through all my ideas with and she takes all my photos. Go give her some love and while you’re at it you should follow me 😉

Thanks for reading, love you all, Tati xxx

becoming tatiana.

When I began this blog, I created a character of sorts. Her name was Tatiana and she was everything I wanted to be in life and more.

A sarcastic voice of reason, Tati was an outspoken girl in a man’s world. She wasn’t simply an alter ego to me, she was the person that I was afraid of being all those years.

I was a very shy person, constantly worried about what people thought of me and how I was portrayed in this big wide world. That changed when I started this blog. Tati was confident, bubbly, overall a teenage girl who appeared to be completely at peace with herself. As time progressed, I began transforming into this person I’d always dreamed of being. I was relaxed, didn’t really care what people would say about me – and trust me, they said a lot. I wasn’t just transforming in real life, I was transforming here to. I became very honest with my readers, explaining to them what had happened in my past and how it shaped me to be who I am today. Totally Tatiana wasn’t just a creative outlet anymore, it was a place I could go, a safe haven where I felt understood and not judged.

I’ve began writing about anything and everything. I’m not doing this for the “greater good”, I’m doing this for me, because I am Tatiana. I act like a queen because I am a queen. I’m so happy that this blog has helped different people, but it has helped me too.

I’m doing better than I ever was, the nightmares and PTSD are practically non-existent, my meds are working super well, I don’t need therapy as much any more, I feel safe and secure and overall content with how everything has turned out.

This time last year I was a hot mess, this year, I’m still a hot mess, but I own that shit now. I’m Tatiana and I am strong and powerful and I have finally become at peace with myself.

The world’s given me some pretty bad situations, but I keep on fighting and rising higher. Bring it on.

I’ll see you at the top. T xx

Tati and the Trouble With the General Human Population [Pet Peeves]

I like to pretend I am a very calm, chilled out type of person, but in reality… that’s not exactly true. I am very hot-headed and I speak without thinking a lot and I’m not one to keep my opinions to myself (as you can see by my entire blog). However, there are some types of people who really grind my gears, and I thought it would be very cathartic for me to talk about things that people do which rattle my ribcage. This is just me angrily typing at crazy-o’clock but I feel like as a population, we don’t speak about people like this enough or how toxic they can really be. Make sure to read to the end because I have big news!

  1. Shirtless guys in public. I spoke about this to my friends merely the other day and we came to the following conclusion: unless you are on the beach or about to go swimming, keep it hidden! (I really wish we made something which rhymed.) In all seriousness though, no-one wants to see that, it makes everyone uncomfortable and there’s just no need as it won’t do anything to help you cool down and it definitely won’t prevent sun burn.
  2. Two faced people, AKA Fakies. People are mean, there’s no way around it. However, when someone acts all nice to you then talks a bunch of crap behind your back, that’s when I have a problem with you. First of all, if you’re the one who’s getting spoken about, it’ll really mess with your self-confidence, make you develop trust issues in the future and it simply isn’t good. Even if you’re the person who is talking sh*t, no matter how much you think the person “deserves it”, it’ll make people question if they should be friends with you as you may do the same to them. It’s mean, unneeded and I can’t stand it.
  3. People who self-diagnose themselves with mental health issues. I have never known someone who made my blood truly boil until I met someone like this. Since I first met one of these attention seekers, I have met a handful more and that is exactly what they are: a handful. They constantly go around claiming they have “depression” when it’s more than obvious they just feel sad. They make people with mental health super uncomfortable and give a bad name to the mental health community overall. One of the main reasons I write so much about mental health is because there is enough stigma as it is, let alone with all of the qUiRkY pEoPlE who have “uwu depression” – my fellow teens will understand exactly what I mean and it brings me quite smoothly onto number four…
  4. People who make mental health an aesthetic. It’s triggering and it makes people who struggle daily super uncomfortable. There are lots of issues with the media glamorising or romanticizing mental illness and this needs to stop. Depression isn’t listening to emo music, wearing black and joking about self harm, it’s a serious condition which makes me struggle to get out of bed and do basic tasks like eating, getting dressed and having a shower. It really upsets and triggers me when I hear someone joking about suicide/self harm in graphic detail, explaining all the who’s, what’s, where’s, when’s, how’s and why’s. I knew people who described it in such unbearable detail that I’d become so close to relapsing back into that vicious cycle and I can’t stand it. There need to be more rules in place about what is and isn’t socially acceptable when it comes to talking about self harm and jokes about it. Jokes are a coping mechanism and I get it because I use that mechanisim all the time. However, I have an issue when someone says [trigger warning – graphic details about self harm in italics] “haha I’m going to go slit my wrists!” That is not okay and is super uncomfortable. Number four took a darker turn but I’m super happy I have now gotten that off my chest. Quickly, I’ll add in a slightly lighter one!
  5. Roadmen/Chavs/F***boys. If someone calls me “peng” unironically or talks about how I’ve got “mad batty bruv” best believe I have beef with you. If you don’t understand any of these words, I am very jealous of you. Roadmen roam free where I live and I hate it. They objectify women, start fights for no reason, offer you drugs because they can and I honestly think they just live on this earth so I can make fun of them. You can typically find them smoking outside McDonalds, causing a nuisance in their matching tracksuits, fake Gucci belts, some sort of designer trainers and bum bags (fanny packs in America). Why do I hate them so much I hear you cry?! Because they try to get you to sleep with them for no real reason other than that they can. If a roadman reads this, I have a feeling that they’ll try attack me… emphasis on the try. Honestly, to all the roadmen I’ve rolled my eyes at before, I hope you have a bright future ahead of you and I genuinely wish you all the best 🙂
  6. People who fake r*pe claims. Honestly there is no further explanation needed, I despise people who have done this and they should honestly be ashamed in themselves. They are one of the reasons that people rarely believe victims which isn’t good.
  7. People who are convinced the world is against them and that everyone is horrible – people who just act like the victim. These people just make my eyes roll! They don’t ever realise they have it so well off, and they just find little things to moan about.
  8. People who make sexist comments 24/7 or just pick people apart based on looks for “laughs”. If I make a good point, I don’t want you to just say “gEt bAcK tO tHe kItChEn” I want you to talk to me like the equal I am, not pick apart my looks and gender. It shouldn’t be as difficult as people make it, honestly.

There you have it! Eight types of people who really anger me! If you liked this blog post please like and comment if you wish, and follow if you want! I post once a week about anything and everything – high quality content here! If you want me to write about anything in particular, please let me know and I’ll be happy to do so.

BIG NEWS!

Some people are already aware of this, but my Totally Tatiana Blog is now on a list for Top 100 UK Lifestyle Blogs! I’m number 76 and it’s a huge achievement. I’m just a teenager, juggling this blog around in my circus of a life purely because I enjoy writing on it, but this shows I’m doing something for the greater good – which is really exciting for me. If you want to look at who else made the list, please click here as I honestly feel honoured to be put on the same list as massive bloggers. Thank you so much Feedspot, I’m very grateful, and I’ll see you all next week!

This has been Tati, ta-ta! xxx

p.s – I found the featured image on WordPress and I loved it so the angry boy stays.

Social Media Detox

After my abusive boyfriend left me, I realised I needed to make some changes around my life.  In that relationship, I completely lost sight of who I was.  My whole life was surrounded by other people’s lives – their happiness, anguish and pain and I quickly began to feel those emotions alongside them.  I became surrounded by social media – obsessing over what I posted, over who said what.  I lost the fun bubbly Tatiana I worked so hard on rebirthing after the sexual assault incident, then, after this boy left me, I realised I was but a shadow of the person I once was. 

I felt broken and unfixable.  I was back at square one with therapy and I had a whole new group of people to avoid and a load of rumours I had to try ignoring.  I had no idea what to do but I knew I needed to do something.  After a while I began speaking to the girl I’ve known pretty much since I was born (I’m afraid we don’t have any cool nicknames like I do with my other buds, but she does call me a goose a lot.  I’m not too sure if that’s a good thing or not either but I’ll take it as an endearing term.) and she told me about something she found super beneficial to her mental health.  For about a year, she had completely stopped going on all social medias and she found she still rarely uses them.  I was dumfounded.  At the time, it felt like my whole life was online and that I needed that anchor.  In reality, the anchor was dragging me down. 

For some background, I downloaded Snapchat and Instagram in February of 2019.  I’ve had WhatsApp since I’ve had a phone and I had a Twitter account at one point, but I think that was mostly to stalk celebrities.  I’ve also had Pinterest for a few months now.  I had three different Insta accounts: one for my blog, one as my main one for all my mutual and a private one for friends.  Overall, I think I had maybe 300 followers – please don’t quote me on that – I can’t really remember!  As for Snapchat, I had one account with pretty much everyone from my year at school and a couple of others.  I posted frequently on both and I was a very typical teen, posting constantly on my stories and ranting about whatever came to mind on my private stories.

After my friend spoke about how much happier she was off social media, I wanted a taste of some of that happiness.  I deleted Snapchat and Instagram in February and I haven’t looked back since.  I feel so much more connected with the world around me now and as corny as it sounds, I am really happy I chose to detox.  My phone was my life, not a part of it and it was impacting me negatively. 

Through this experience, I really have learnt who my true friends are, and I feel a lot less pressure overall about events and experiences.  I began detoxing as my therapy and medication began to work and then the virus came about.  All four of these events have helped me to eat regularly and healthily, become more self-confident, get out and active and spend more time with family and friends.

Of course, there are days where I just want to whip out my phone and scroll through Instagram and mess around online, but I don’t really feel this way anymore.  I feel I am finally getting better and I am improving, and I don’t wish to put the life I have begun to live slip though my fingers.

Even if it’s just for 20 minutes, turning off social media does give you a chance to not be involved in drama and gossip.  I find that if something is really important, my friends will text me, and nothings happened that’s that important.  This summer, I am considering getting Instagram back as that is the only social media I really miss as I love posting photos.  Snapchat however, I found this detox to be my lucky escape into a lifetime of childish fights that I didn’t care about.

All in all, try reconnecting with others more, it’s beneficial in more ways than one!  Let me know if you found it helpful or any more advice you can give!  Just remember: your life isn’t online and it’s okay to ditch the bs once in a while 🙂

Best Thing

There are lots of things which haven’t been the best recently.  However, some things have been amazing.

Getting to watch the sun set and being able to go outside and see the stars.

Spending time with my family and reconnecting with them after a long time of tension and mistrust.

Gaining confidence and nursing myself back to healthy mindsets.

Playing with my not-so-little little brother and creating inside jokes and memories that will last us a lifetime.

Learning more about what I want to do in my future and working towards a long-term goal.

Speaking to people I rarely see or speak to and having fun.

Having family game nights!

Learning and growing as a person.

Even though none of this is ideal, we’re a strong bunch.  As soon as this is over, we’ll be back fighting more than ever.  Watch out world, we’ll be back and better then ever.  Until then, I have the best things… My best things.

My Year 11

Of course, I was prepared to do this article in June/July but then everything went slightly pear-shaped and now I’m somehow out of year eleven in March.  ¾ of the way done, without any GCSE’s on my CV.  Yikes.  Anyway, I could moan and groan and complain but I’m not going to do that because it will get us all no-where and it’s completely pointless.  Instead, I am going to reminisce on my year eleven experience. As abrupt as it may have been, lots happened to me, my mental health and just around the world in general.  I feel the 2020 leavers are the only year group who can say the following: Brexit happened and we all had parties, Trump nearly started WW3 and we were all getting ready to be drafted, an illness which began because of bat soup has now cancelled our GCSE’s and prom and the rest of year eleven overall.  We are now not allowed to see any of our friends or grandparents, and we are revising for GCSEs which are non-existent.  We truly are the elite ones.  As “lucky” as we are, my year eleven was a year full to the brim of ups and downs, highs and lows and it was overall a rollercoaster.  However, as short as it was, I am still writing about it so obviously it can’t have been that bad… right?

September 2019 was the month where it all turned to shit.  I hit rock bottom, my “friends” left me, and I had a serious self-identity crisis.  I was unsure of myself, doubting my every mood and I didn’t know what to do with myself.  I worked myself from the ground up, realising I didn’t need fakies and flakies and found my true friends.  They came in the form of Thumper, a BTEC Ron Weasley, a crazy boy who bought out my competitive side to the extreme, the BFG, Blondie and Heather Duke and Heather Chandler.  This tribe rooted me on and helped me overcome loads of mini hurdles and I couldn’t have done it without them.

October 2019, things slowly began looking up for me.  Even though I was diagnosed with an eating disorder, I slowly became more self-confident, wearing a Halloween outfit I’ve always wanted to wear, I was just afraid of what others would say.  I slowly began getting in the swing of socialising and I gradually became better with physical contact.  October was the month of partying and performing – I performed for my BTEC Performing Arts in one of the leading roles and performed in the West End – where Phantom of the Opera is performed!

My 2019 Halloween Outfit if anyone cares 🙂

November 2019 my mental health managed to reach a level playing ground.  I got into a relationship, I was managing school life and social life easily and from the outside looking in, I was living a picture-perfect life.

December 2019 was also a great month for me.  I began revising, had sixth form and college open days and interviews and I began thinking about my future – something I always struggled to do.

Of course, this couldn’t last.  By January 2020, my eating disorder came back, bigger and badder than ever.  I got dumped by the “perfect guy” learnt he both lied and cheated on me which didn’t exactly do the best for my self-confidence.  I got back together with him which is my biggest regret of year eleven.  Lots happened but it’s still extremely raw and painful to go over.  However, the small silver lining is I had my first set of mock exams and if they were my real GCSE’s I would have passed six out of eight of them which is more than the minimum requirement.

February 2020, bad things happened, I hit lower than rock bottom and I don’t want to go too much into it but I’m lucky to have come out only on the highest med dosage and a few cuts, scratches and bruises.

It may not be the end of March yet but my word loads has happened.  I somehow managed to clamber my way back up to level playing grounds which is probably the most impressive thing I’ve done this decade (heh).  I’m slowly getting back to my old, old self which I’ve suppressed for years.  I was revising my poor ass off but then GCSE’s were cancelled, as was the rest of year eleven so now I’m just revising so I don’t drive myself insane.  I may be unable to see my friends, but I’ve been on the phone to them for at least one hour a day and another hour I spend playing Just Dance with my little brother.  My friend said I could spend this time to properly reconnect with my brother and that is exactly what I’m doing.  Also, relationship wise, I’ve finally decided to listen to my parents and I’m staying single!  (Well, I’m crushing but nothings happening until after lock-down).

Even though my year eleven was extremely brief, lots happened and I’m happy to say that I’m mentally vibing – well, vibing as much as I can while being unable to see my friends face to face.  I hope this article can show you that even though bad things may happen, there’s always a plus, you just must look harder sometimes.  All in all, I’ve survived secondary school without being murdered or hurt too badly.  Next stop: I’ll be sixteen ready to start sixth form!  But until then, I’ll be here, yours truly,

Totally Tatiana xx