better.

TW// sexual assault, rape, suicidal thoughts, self harm, abuse, eating disorder

VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED

❤️🧡💛💚💙💜

two years ago i experienced some of the toughest weeks i have ever faced. i have been very open about my experiences but it was so insanely tough, i am still very shocked i am here, albeit with bruises, scars and memories which may never fade.

since then, i have improved a lot. i am far more open about how i am feeling and i have finally put a definitive end to my self destructive nature, quitting the toxicity for good.

it’s been a long two years, but it’s safe to say i’m getting to the other side now.

i may hate my scars which will never heal, as they remind me of the times others had such a strong hold on me.

i may hate looking at my own reflection, never feeling satisfied with the way i look, making me feel inadequate and unworthy of all this love.

i may hate the fact my mind tries to convince me that the only way to ever stop feeling like this is to stop existing, despite knowing it’s untrue.

i may hate the fact i can never fully relax, always feeling wary and scared of others.

i may hate what i’ve done in the past, never feeling able to fully forgive myself for my actions.

i may hate all of these insecurities…

but that’s ok.

because i am so much stronger now, maybe not physically, but mentally i am wonder woman.

and soon you will be too.

because,

even though

i never believed others when they claimed

“this too shall pass.”

convincing myself they were just making it up, simply to make me feel better.

but all the darkest clouds are clearing now.

hope.

it may be small, but it can be a persistent one.

and i’m holding onto that hope

until the day i die.

❤️🧡💛💚💙💜

closure

friendships are super tough

sometimes you drift, and that’s okay

sometimes you have a massive argument and that’s also okay

why?

because at least there’s closure.

but sometimes

you just don’t get closure

you wake up one day and they just seem to not care

or they just start hating your guts

and the whole time you wonder what on earth you ever did wrong.

but you’ll never know,

because there’s no closure.

it’s painful.

so so so painful

but it gets better

it always does, or there would be no real point to any of this, would there?

but slowly, it gets better

you move on,

you move up,

you start to forget that there never was closure

but not completely.

it will fade over time

but right now, you just can’t quite get that

closure.

Self Love Goals for 2021

Hey, I haven’t seen you since last year! ahahahaaaa, not funny Dad joke out of the way… on with the article!


Something which I began a few years ago, is instead of creating New Years resolutions, I create self love goals for each month. Each month helps me to focus on myself and bettering myself and just improving my general wellbeing. Each month usually has a particular theme which I abide to, but this year I’ve decided to set myself some main challenges for the whole of the year, and editing and adding them each month to fit with what my focus is. I have twelve main goals for 2021 to help me embrace different things in my life, and they are just overall factors which I wish to improve on. So, without further ado, these are my twelve goals for 2021! ~ Tati xxx


  1. Do more of what I love, even if that means I have to say no to people. Something very important which I learnt from therapy is that it’s okay to be selfish, as long as you are protecting yourself. I have a bad habit of being a people pleaser, something which is often detrimental to my wellbeing. This year, I am going to focus on saying no and being more honest with those around me. If they don’t understand I need to take time for myself, then I don’t need them in my life quite simply!
  2. Keep up on the physical aspects of self care. I am slowly getting to grips with the mental aspects of self love, but I find myself often forgetting that physical care is also important. Ensuring that I relax, don’t spend too much time on technology, even taking care of my skin and hair, are all vital parts of self care and this year I will be spending time on each of these things.
  3. Keeping fit and healthy. Something I found when I was really struggling with depression in 2018 was that I often couldn’t bring myself to leave the house, but exercise was very good for me. My boyfriend is a bit of a fitness freak and he is constantly encouraging me to get my endorphins going by doing cardio and going to the gym. It makes me feel a lot better even if I’m simply walking somewhere instead of driving, getting out the house or even on those days where I really need to stay in, just opening the curtains and letting in those rays, opening the window to breathe in the air! It helps a lot and I’m planning on doing a lot more of it this year.
  4. Really dive into and focus on my schoolwork. At times, I used to feel completely isolated from others, abandoned by my friends, rumours flying left right and centre, it often felt like I was alone. At times like this I began coming to terms with the fact that the one thing which would never leave me was my career and hard work. This year I am on a mission to kick ass on my AS levels, even though “Ms Rona” [as my friend calls it] has her own plans! No matter what, this year school work and getting the grades is one of my priorities and it’s definitely a helpful one to possess!
  5. Finding (and keeping to) that healthy balance of school, family, friends, a social life, volunteering, work, relationships and having time for myself! I’ve spent so long trying to work out how to do this, and I think I am finally getting there. I have worked out that timetables work well for me during revision time and organisation is one of the best ways which I can balance everything, seeing it all right in front of me instead of just in my head really helps! This year I am going to do this all 365 days! If I control my own life then nothing can be too bad!
  6. Stop worrying about what others think of you! I got part of the way there in 2020 but I will master this in 2021! It’s all about self-confidence and staying true to myself, no matter how crazy ‘myself’ is! I’ll get there in the end, it’s all about practice, it seems.
  7. Dance and sing more! I really want to start doing this again and I am so happy I decided to continue with performing arts! I have started singing again and I am slowly getting back onto the dancing scene which is super exciting! I find it all super calming but also freeing and it lets my creativity go nuts!
  8. Accept the past, but don’t ever use it as an excuse for your actions. This is more just continuing to work on the foundations which I made last year. I have accepted that shitty things have happened to me and I am now slowly moving forwards. I will try my hardest nonetheless and I will definitely manage it all at some point and I’ll be stronger than ever!
  9. Cut out all types of toxicity: friendships, relationships, unhealthy foods, contacts, just everything! I am getting a lot better at seeing the red flags which is very good. However, I still have a bit of way to go. This year, I am sure I will work my way through it all which is a very good thing. Working out what positively and negatively impacts my life is a difficult thing at first, but I have been getting a lot better at it and I feel that with some practice, I can live my best toxic-free life!
  10. Read more – expand horizons! I don’t just mean books, I mean any form of literature! The news, magazines, books, tabloids, novels, comics, you name it, it will help me become a better and more well-rounded person which is very good!
  11. Reflection is a good thing. I enjoy tracking my mood and habits as it shows me how I’m doing. I reflect on the past day, past week, the past month, gosh, even the past year! It shows me self-improvement but also self-acceptance. It helps me keep on top of both healthy and unhealthy habits too, while giving me potential reasoning about causes for certain moods and emotions. It’s a very systematic and logical which I enjoy and it’s helpful to me as well!
  12. Take more photos! Something I need to do more is take more photos when I go out. It will help me to focus and appreciate the beauty of everything outside the house. Plus, I really enjoy it so – added bonus!!

A Letter to Past Me

I have actually already done an article like this! But, instead of writing to my Future Self, I have decided to write a letter to my past self, six years ago, when I was 10 years old. Look at me go, linking stuff together!


Dear past Tati,

You’re about to go into secondary school this year! I know, you’re terrified of losing friendships and things, but trust me, for every shitty friend you lose, you’ll gain am amazing friend who will always support you through thick and thin.

I won’t lie to you, secondary school is tough. There will definitely be multiple moments where you’re ready to give up and just throw your future away. Don’t do that! Your future looks so bright and you got this.

You’ll explore and find passions you didn’t even know you had, you’ll learn so many new wonderful things, just make sure to take everything in and stay calm.

I know you love jumping into things head first, but try avoid it. Think things through and consider logical reasons to avoid doing something stupid.

Throughout school, you’ll find your voice. It’s a horrible journey to get there, but as soon as you do, you’ll be ready for whatever life throws at you.

You’re a tough cookie Tati. People have tried to break you before, but you’ll forever get up again and continue fighting and you’ll become completely unbreakable. As Legally Blonde’s Brooke Windom says: “what doesn’t kill us makes us hotter!” which is true, at least for your hair.

Don’t worry about your hair, just be warned that at the start of year nine you made a choice. Your hair is fine now though!

You can also do makeup, which makes you feel like the boss ass bitch which you are.

You’ll find yourself Tati, I do promise you that much.

Love yourself and give yourself more credit 🙂

Fifteen (almost sixteen) year old Tati xxx

Three Lessons I Want My Children To Learn From Me

I like this topic! It’s quite different but it’s a thinker and I’ve worked out exactly what I want my kids to learn. I don’t really want kids, but if I ever change my mind, this is what they need to know. I could have a few stupidly obvious things, but I’ve decided on three different things that I’ve learnt throughout the years. God, I say years like I’m old, I’m still not 16 yet! Yikes. Anyway… on with it!

1. Life’s not fair, get used to it.

A quote pulled directly from my Dad’s getting-your-daughter-to-shut-up-dictionary. Ever since I can remember, if I’ve ever complained about something pretty miniscule, my Dad would say that phrase. When I was younger, I always thought it was really mean, but now I’m older [yep, still acting like I’m super old. This will almost definitely be a reoccurring theme], and (a smidge) wiser, I realised it’s actually true. Life sucks, man. Either you can moan and groan at every single small issue, or you can shut up and strive on. The only way for unimportant things to leave you alone, is to walk around them in your path of life. Get used to the small annoyances in life so you can face them all head on when you’re ready.

Slight side-note, but please appriciate that ever since these imaginary kids have appeared, I am acting like I’m some sort of a prophet/God. Is this what having kids does to you? Wow, I have so many questions!

2. Aspire for success, and don’t accept anything less.

Kind of a cute story behind this one. I was talking to someone about how shitty all my ex boyfriends were and he said this to me. Even though he meant it about partners, I feel like this applies to pretty much anything. I just love the idea of aiming high and achieving it, and I feel like these “words of wisdom” pretty much mean that you should never rest on your laurels, no matter how much easier that may be. You were bought here to achieve great things, so it’s only fair that you at least try.

3. Never shut up. It’ll be your greatest quality.

In my lifetime I have been called almost every slur in the book. All because I stand up for what I believe in. Make sure that if you believe in something so strongly, you will go to the ends of the earth to get your voice heard. As you grow older, your voice will merely become louder and those who try silence you are just jealous. Be proud of yourself, you’ve made it this far 🙂

End Rape Culture and Victim Blaming!

Today I need to write about something I feel very strongly about. Of course, as I am a big activist and feminist, I have lots of topics to choose from, but the first one that came to mind was the problem with victim blaming and rape culture. Throughout this article, I am going to be explaining what problems our society has with victim blaming, going into my own and others stories of why we don’t speak out, and why there’s so much stigma around being sexually assaulted. This is quite a heavy-hitting topic so a trigger warning for anyone who is sensitive towards sexual abuse and the topic as a whole. Stay safe, I love you all, and let’s raise awareness about our shitty society! This article took me a super long time, researching, putting all my thoughts into words and making those words actually make sense. This is probably one of my favourite blog articles because I’m so proud of it so please let me know if you prefer articles like this which are more structured and informative 🙂

How can we get rid of #RapeCulture ? - Forum - Know My Rights Clothing Co.

What Is Victim Blaming and Why Is It Bad?

For anyone who doesn’t know, victim blaming is, quite simply, putting the blame of what happened onto the victim instead of the perpetrator. In the UK, only 15% of people who have been assaulted reported it to the police. There are many reasons why people don’t say anything and why the #MeToo movement was ground breaking as it showed that lots of people have suffered from abuse without speaking out. As you can see in the image above, those are some of the most common reasons that people are afraid to speak out. The world we life in presents such a stigma around being sexually assaulted, that rape culture and victim blaming is a common thing.

After my story was reported, I had lots of people ask me extremely personal questions, and try to put the blame on me. this is not ok. This promotes the fact we live in a society which sexualises people for what they wear, claiming that “if you wear a skirt that short, you are clearly asking for the attention” which is total bullshit. Wear whatever you want, do whatever you want, as I always say, as long as you’re not harming yourself or others in any way, go wild, do whatever you want. If it makes you happy, do it!! It’s despicable the amount of victims who haven’t been taken seriously because of what they were wearing, their alcohol intake at the time, and if they were flirting or not.

Some Photos To Think About:

Vancouver student Rosea Lake's photo etitled "Judgement" has gone viral, with more than 280,000 people liking and re-blogging it on Tumblr.
"Não meça o valor de uma mulher por suas roupas"
"Não meça o valor de uma mulher por suas roupas"

The way we dress doesn’t mean yes!

Literally every single woman, ever.

Those Who Assault and Why Many People Don’t Come Forward

Unfortunately, being assaulted is something you have to constantly be cautious about. If you are a female, I’m pretty sure you’ll know the fear you get when you walk alone anywhere. If I even hear so much as a patter of footsteps, I completely freak out and my brain goes full panic mode. The most worrying fact is I’m no longer fazed by catcallers and people yelling out to me, it’s an occurrence I’ve being mostly desensitised to. In the recent years, people (mostly men) who have either yelled abuse, cat-called me or said/done something inappropriate to me – a minor – is staggeringly high. It’s gotten to such a bad stage that when my friends see something like that, they freak out in situations I just shrug off. I used to love walking alone, putting in my headphones, listening to Taylor Swift, feeling like I was in some sort of music video, but now my friends (bless their little overprotective hearts) always make sure I’m not walking alone, or that if I am, that I message them once I’m home. They like being there to protect me and, even though I’d never admit it to them, I feel a lot safer with them around.

However, in many ways, being catcalled by someone who you have never met before is so much better than being sexualised or made uncomfortable by someone you know. You know that society has a problem when I have to choose one of those to nightmarish situations as a “preference”. God our world is f*cked. Statistics show that 90% of victims knew the perpetrator prior to the abuse. (Leaving all links to my info at the bottom of this so you all know I didn’t pull these percentages out of thin air). This is one of the reasons that I didn’t report as I was afraid I would be seen as provoking him. That’s the problem with being abused by your childhood friend, no-one will believe you because you still act as if everything is fine and dandy because you’re just so desperate to go back to how things were, even though you know there is no hope of that ever happening.

After My Story Was Told – My Experiences

I remember the entire day that everything came out like it was yesterday. I’ve spoken about it multiple times now and if you’re new around here, welcome and you can check out all of that here. As you know, the case never got convicted, which is a very common occurrence. Conviction rates for rape and sexual abuse are so much lower than other cases, with only 5.7% reported rape cases ending in conviction. We can’t expect to be taken seriously when almost all cases are acquitted before they’re even opened.

Something else which my abuser did after he started abusing me is he claimed to be gay. God, the poor LGBTQ community, you get enough hate as it is. He claimed to be gay two months after the abuse began, and continued to be vocal about “how hard it is to be homosexual” – when he’s… ya know, not. I learnt something the other day when I was watching stand up comedy which honestly made me laugh so, so much. Now I’m writing this I’m still laughing because it makes me sick and I can’t deal with it any other way. I found out that Bill Cosby and Harvey Weinstein – two of the most notorious Hollywood sex offenders – decided they were now also gay because their lawyers were failing them. I have no issue with famous actors and actresses who are gay, but when they fake it so they can avoid sexual assault charges? Oh, sweetie, someone will be getting hurt and it’s not going to be me.

Why I’m Still Shouting This From The Rooftops – Statistics Which Make Me Shudder

A third of people believe women who flirt are partially responsible for being raped (Amnesty, 2005)

Approximately 85,000 women and 12,000 men (aged 16 – 59) experience rape, attempted rape or sexual assault by penetration in England and Wales alone every year; that’s roughly 11 of the most serious sexual offences (of adults alone) every hour. 

Approximately 70 women commit suicide every day in the US following an act of sexual violence.

During 2019, 13% of all women in California were victims of rape.

A quarter of male victims of sexual assault were under 10 years of age.

Infographic showing the number of people victimized in one year. Number broken down by inmates (80,600), children (61,000), general public (284,000), and military (18,900).

Take This Away:

If you take anything at all away from this article please bare this image in mind…

I snapped 🌪🌬 – Daddy's little angel

Remember: It’s not your fault, it never was, you shouldn’t have to be held accountable for someone else’s actions.


Information:

https://rapecrisis.org.uk/get-informed/about-sexual-violence/statistics-sexual-violence/

https://www.rainn.org/statistics/scope-problem

Words of Wisdom

I couldn’t really decide what I wanted to write as there are so many words of wisdom I could think of, so instead I have chosen a few of my all time favourite quotes and drop them here 🙂 I’m differing from normal articles at the moment and I’m really sorry if this isn’t your thing, I just feel like this will flow best, I promise I will be back to my normal writing style tomorrow, I just feel I need these two days of slightly random-ness and I’ll be back on track. Thank you so much for your love and support, it means the world to me.


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I Need Feminism Because...                                                                                                                                                                                 More
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Strike against dress codes!!! May 14,2015. We are putting these EVERYWHERE in my HS Teen Girl Accuses Her School Of Slut Shaming After Being Sent Home Because Her Jorts Were Too Short
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sc: lilianaaa_x

Saturday Nights

So, I’m single and I’m happy this way. I feel like you need to know this to understand the context of my story.

Due to the fact I am a single lady, I spend Saturday nights alone. Even if it sounds incredibly depressing, I have come to look forward to these evenings as I feel it gives me time to focus on myself and I have time to properly care for myself.

After spending time with my brother, when he goes up to bed, I normally call my friends just to see how they’re doing and things. I do this for about half an hour, then, when the sun starts to set, the party for one begins.

I’ll turn off all communication with the outside world, grab my Winnie the Pooh blanket, turn my laptop onto airplane mode and switch on the TV, searching for something to watch. Every few weeks, I decide to watch some stand-up comedy which is what I did this evening. I’ve always loved stand-up because it’s so light-hearted and you can just switch off and laugh your worries away. It also makes me feel less alone because of the interpersonal relationships you build with the comedian performing (media studies ftw). This evening I watched an array of different funny guys: Pete Davidson, Donald Glover, Bo Burnham and then ending with Russell Howard. Each of these comedians mean something to me, hence why I chose them this Saturday Night.

Before I pressed play on Pete Davidson, I decided to get some snacks. I normally get super hungry from around 9pm onwards so I helped myself to a bowl of cereal, a pear, some strawberries and chocolate. This may sound healthy now, but wait a few hours and you’ll see me turn into a hungry hippo!

Munching away, I resumed watching comedy, feeling at ease listening to their jokes which appealed to my dark sense of humour.

At around 11pm, I was part way done with Bo Burnham’s “Be Happy” and I got hungry again. I paused my game of solitaire and got my Dad to make me some cheese on toast. Not to be cheesy (I apologise profusely) but my Dad 100% makes the best cheese on toast in the world – no questions asked.

After entering cheese heaven, I continued watching Netflix and playing solitaire when at 1am, my Mum finally managed to convince me to go to bed. After talking to my parents for a while, I went to bed, put on some YouTube and drifted off to a magical world of slumber.

Why did I post this article you wonder? Being single is portrayed as the worst thing on earth, when in reality, I cherish evenings where I can just be myself and ugly-laugh to my hearts content. That to me is self-love.

What’s your version of self-love? Everyone is different and there are no wrong answers. Just remember to disconnect from your phone once in a while and take time for you and you only.

Love and hugs, Tati xo

I’m a Feminist But… [Inspired by The Guilty Feminist Podcast]

Welcome to the second Feminist Friday! I have been inspired by the iconic The Guilty Feminist Podcast – the best feminist podcast I have ever listened to. I am huge fans of their episodes and you should definitely check them out. This blog article will be guilty confessions from a feminist who does sometimes to somewhat… anti-feminist things. Just remember, I am still a very strong feminist but I’m far from perfect… Don’t forget to comment your perfect feminist imperfections!

I’m a feminist but I think the song Blurred Lines is a tune and I have memorised the Just Dance 2014 choreography with my brother and I really get into it.

I’m a feminist but I love the reality show Yummy Mummies which is all about being a housewife, homemaker, good looks, fashion and lots of money. It’s very stereotypical and reverts heavily to gender roles but I love watching it and I’ve binged it on multiple occasions.

I’m a feminist but if I’m out and I need to pay for something, I always hope a guy will insist on paying for me.

I’m a feminist but if I’m in trouble with someone, I get my male friends to back me up. (They’re also very tall so bonus fear… even though they wouldn’t hurt a fly 😂)

I’m a feminist but when I really can’t be bothered to do something, I’ll play the “I’m on my period” card to get out of things I really don’t want to do. What can I say?! I am very lazy at times.

I’m a feminist but I get super obsessed with my looks and I treat everyday like it’s a fashion show. In my defence, you never know when someone’s going to take a photo of you! I am very narcissistic if you couldn’t tell…

I’m a feminist but I shave because I love having baby-soft skin. It’s fun to rub my legs together like I’m a cricket – don’t judge me, other people do this too!

I’m a feminist but I always get slightly flattered when I guy calls me attractive.

I’m a feminist but I always wear makeup when I’m going out.

I’m a feminist but I like to impress people – whether that be with looks, talents or smarts, I like to appear like the girl who has it all, which isn’t always a bad thing!

In conclusion, no-one is the “perfect feminist” we get by with our ideals and thoughts but at the end of the day, we’re fighting for gender equality. Please comment some of your “I’m a feminist but…’s” – I don’t want to be alone on this one! Just remember, everyone is different and we should embrace it!

Love you all,

Tati xxx

Iconic Films That Pass the Bechdel Test

In short, an amazing cartoonist named Alison Bechdel created a criterion to show representation of women in films.  The criteria is quite simple:

A movie that has at least two women in it who talk to each other, about something other than a man.

At first, I thought that finding films which follow this would be super easy.  However, when I began thinking about it, movies which pass the test are few and far between.  For easy viewing, I have compiled a list of ten of my favourite films which pass this test.  Happy watching!

1) Wonder Woman

Gal Gadot as Wonder Woman

I am obsessed with this film. It’s the first superhero movie I ever watched and I was so excited because I felt I finally found a mainstream character in the media who looked like me. Wonder Woman is so cool and I can honestly do an entire paragraph about how she’s a feminist icon… (hint hint 😉 )

2) Jojo Rabbit

Taika Waititi and Roman Griffin Davis as Hitler and Jojo

I’ve already written a review on this marvellous movie – access that here: https://totallytatiana.com/2020/01/14/my-thoughts-on-jojo-rabbit/ but this film is outstanding for so many reasons and the fact it passes the Bechdel Test just gives me reason to love it even more

3) Enchanted

James Marsden, Amy Adams and Patrick Dempsy

Anyone who knows me also knows I love Disney. Those who know me very well know I am completely obsessed with Enchanted. A fariytale film with a feminist twist, with multipule cameos from Disney princess alummni, I just heckin love this film!

4) Crazy Rich Asians

Cast of Crazy Rich Asians

Rom Com films aren’t really my thing, but when I heard they were making a film made of an exclusively Asian cast and that it was based on a book, I was very interested. I read the book first, (and the second one… and the third one…) then finally went on to watch the movie with my Mum. I was obsessed! They perfectly bought all the characters to life and I loved it! The costumes… Oh. My. God!! Watch this film!!

5) Oceans 8

Cast of Oceans 8

A star studded cast? Check! An iconic heist film? Check! Showing girls can do it too? Check! This film is the best! It has some of my absolute favourite actors in too: Anne Hathaway, James Corden and Awkwafina to name a few!

6) Shrek 3

Shrek and Donkey

I still wonder how a film can be a complete hit with my whole English class and actually show empowering women. Also, Shrek is just one of those film franchises you need to watch.

7) Birds of Prey

Margot Robbie

I have already written a review about this film but I will never stop saying that this is the heartbreak healer. I’m so glad I watched this film when I did, because I was going through my own Joker and Harley breakup which made me feel so alone. I empathised with Harley Quinn and I left that cinema feeling like a new person. Read my full review here: https://totallytatiana.com/2020/02/16/my-thoughts-on-birds-of-prey-and-the-fantabulous-emancipation-of-one-harley-quinn/

8) Mean Girls

Lacey Charbert, Rachel McAdams and Amanda Seyfreid

This movie is so fetch! I quote it on the daily and it’s one of the 100 films you have to watch in your life.

9) Toy Story 4

The long awaited finale of this fantastic franchise. It definitely doesn’t let you down!

10) Clueless

Stacey Dash, Alica Silverstone and Brittany Murphy

This film is a cult classic and it’s directed by a fearless female so just watch it!