better.

TW// sexual assault, rape, suicidal thoughts, self harm, abuse, eating disorder

VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED

❤️🧡💛💚💙💜

two years ago i experienced some of the toughest weeks i have ever faced. i have been very open about my experiences but it was so insanely tough, i am still very shocked i am here, albeit with bruises, scars and memories which may never fade.

since then, i have improved a lot. i am far more open about how i am feeling and i have finally put a definitive end to my self destructive nature, quitting the toxicity for good.

it’s been a long two years, but it’s safe to say i’m getting to the other side now.

i may hate my scars which will never heal, as they remind me of the times others had such a strong hold on me.

i may hate looking at my own reflection, never feeling satisfied with the way i look, making me feel inadequate and unworthy of all this love.

i may hate the fact my mind tries to convince me that the only way to ever stop feeling like this is to stop existing, despite knowing it’s untrue.

i may hate the fact i can never fully relax, always feeling wary and scared of others.

i may hate what i’ve done in the past, never feeling able to fully forgive myself for my actions.

i may hate all of these insecurities…

but that’s ok.

because i am so much stronger now, maybe not physically, but mentally i am wonder woman.

and soon you will be too.

because,

even though

i never believed others when they claimed

“this too shall pass.”

convincing myself they were just making it up, simply to make me feel better.

but all the darkest clouds are clearing now.

hope.

it may be small, but it can be a persistent one.

and i’m holding onto that hope

until the day i die.

❤️🧡💛💚💙💜

closure

friendships are super tough

sometimes you drift, and that’s okay

sometimes you have a massive argument and that’s also okay

why?

because at least there’s closure.

but sometimes

you just don’t get closure

you wake up one day and they just seem to not care

or they just start hating your guts

and the whole time you wonder what on earth you ever did wrong.

but you’ll never know,

because there’s no closure.

it’s painful.

so so so painful

but it gets better

it always does, or there would be no real point to any of this, would there?

but slowly, it gets better

you move on,

you move up,

you start to forget that there never was closure

but not completely.

it will fade over time

but right now, you just can’t quite get that

closure.

Best Thing

There are lots of things which haven’t been the best recently.  However, some things have been amazing.

Getting to watch the sun set and being able to go outside and see the stars.

Spending time with my family and reconnecting with them after a long time of tension and mistrust.

Gaining confidence and nursing myself back to healthy mindsets.

Playing with my not-so-little little brother and creating inside jokes and memories that will last us a lifetime.

Learning more about what I want to do in my future and working towards a long-term goal.

Speaking to people I rarely see or speak to and having fun.

Having family game nights!

Learning and growing as a person.

Even though none of this is ideal, we’re a strong bunch.  As soon as this is over, we’ll be back fighting more than ever.  Watch out world, we’ll be back and better then ever.  Until then, I have the best things… My best things.

when you hit rock bottom

When you hit rock bottom, you feel like you’re underwater

Fighting for your way out,

Struggling to breathe

Wondering if you will survive.

There’s an anchor attached to you, making it impossible to leave even though you know if you stay here any longer, you’ll surely harm yourself.

All of a sudden, a lifeboat is driving toward you.

There’s a person, asking, begging you to talk to them.

You tell them things you’ve never told anyone.

Slowly,

Slowly you feel the anchor loosening.

You feel yourself floating up to the surface,

The lifeboat with you all the way.

You emerge, gasping for air.

The lifeboat person is there, helping you.

You feel safe.

You’re no longer trapped, trapped in your own thoughts.

No-one can hurt you anymore.

i miss you.

i miss when we messed around

i miss when i made you proud

i miss when i was yours

i miss you.

no.

I don’t miss you hitting me and you calling it “Messing Around”

I don’t miss when I changed every single thing about myself to make you “Proud”

I don’t miss being “your” puppet on a silver string.

I don’t miss you.

I don’t need you.

Someday I’ll find someone who doesn’t hurt me, someone who doesn’t make me change, someone who doesn’t act like he owns me.

But,

Until then,

I don’t miss you.

Nothing

Our rainforests are getting cut down, soon there will be nothing.

Our icecaps are melting down, soon there will be nothing.

Our species are dying, soon their will be nothing.

Our crops are not reproducing, soon that will be nothing.

Our planet is getting hotter, soon there will be nothing.

We could all die sooner than we should, and what are we doing?

Nothing.

I’ve Got This

He may have been strong

But I am stronger.

He may have been tough

But I am tougher.

He may have been smart

But I am smarter.

He may have thought he ruined my life

But he was wrong. 

Now I’m stronger, smarter and tougher.

If I could get through him,

I’m stronger than 10 of him combined.

If I could stand my ground around him,

I’m tougher than 100 of him combined.

If I could not listen to the lies, he forced down my throat for years on end,

I am smarter than 1000 of him combined.

So even though you’ve hurt me, broke me and tore me down,

It ends now.

I am not your puppet on a silver string.

I am not your violin you can play

I am a human being.

I am strong.

I am tough.

I will get through this and you’ll wish you never crossed me.

Yellow and Blue

Yellow is bright.

Yellow is bold.

Yellow doesn’t care what anyone else thinks.

Blue is dimmer.

Blue is bold – but only when allowed to be, otherwise Blue could get hurt.

Yellow is confident.

Yellow is someone who you can turn to when you need help.

Blue is shy, Blue is confident once you two become friendly.

Blue isn’t depressed.  Depression isn’t real and if Blue says he is depressed, you could think it’s a vouch for attention and Blue doesn’t want that.

Yellow embraces her issues.  Yellow faces them head on and is okay with showing emotion.

Blue doesn’t embrace its issues.  Blue is scared it will worry you and Blue doesn’t want you to leave.

Yellow is a fearless leader who thrives under pressure and is okay with failure.

Blue wishes it was fearless.

Blue cracks under pressure, and failure makes Blue very sad.

Yellow has thousands of things to say.

Yellow shouts it from the rooftops and doesn’t let anyone silence her – Yellow only says what others can’t say and some don’t want to admit.

Blue has millions of things to say.

Blue will never say those things and keep them bottled up on its shoulders.

Blue wishes it could be more like Yellow but feels as though it’ll never get there.

Blue has already accepted defeat.

Yellow sees people like Blue and helps Blue realise that she’s not alone.  Yellow and Blue overcome defeat together.